Warning: Marginally Adult and Politically Incorrect Content
Several years ago the noted baseball historian, Dr. Paul Stone, and I embarked upon the worthy mission of assembling a very special Major League Baseball All-Time team. Inspired by such player names as Choo-Choo Coleman and J.J. Putz, we found a question begging at the door, hat in hand: “Can’t you do any better than that?”
Our test premise was: In over a hundred years of major league history, there have to have been better (or worse) names than those two. Therefore, we carefully prepared the correct laboratory conditions – a rainout (no actual baseball game as a distraction), two six packs, and twenty pounds of tissue-thin paper all stacked up (The Baseball Encyclopedia). Years and supplementary six-packs later, we have returned from the Amazon jungle of baseball history with our trophy – The All-Time HORRID Names Team. To qualify for inclusion, a player needed only to have played MLB and have a preposterous name.
The Pitching Staff and Catcher (there are a number of players in the MLB’s records who seem to have had only one name – most were 19th century players – and we felt they should be represented; thus, the first member of the pitching staff):
LHP? Fast (Fast is a curious case. While we don’t know his first name or whether he was right-handed or left-handed, we do know he was born in Milwaukee and that his ERA was 10.34 in four games for Indianapolis in 1887. How could his birthplace have been recorded but not his first name? Many of the “one-name players” in the registry may fairly be assumed to have been using pseudonyms, or were last second replacements, sloppily identified. We did feel that Fast was rather a good name for a pitcher.)
RHP “Foots” Barfoot (8-10, 4.10 ERA, for the ’22-’23 Cardinals and the ’26 Yankees) – did the man ever get to have a beer in peace?
RHP “Flame” Delhi (who definitely flamed out – three innings with the Pale Hose in 1912; it’s not clear whether or not he then opened a steakhouse);
RHP John Urrea (who pissed around with the Redbirds and Fathers between ’77 and ’81, compiling a 17-18 record);
C Noe Munoz (who played almost noe games – two for the Dodgers in ’95).
1B “Chicken” Hawks (a .316 “lifetime” hitter with the ’21 Yanks and ’25 Phils);
2B “Buttercup” Dickerson (A tiny player – 5’6,” 140 pounds – Dickerson was a petal in the wind, playing for eight teams in seven seasons between 1878 and 1885 while hitting .284. He is one of several players saddled with arguably female names. See 3B.)
3B Loren Babe (Note that Babe’s first name was his given name – a .223 hitter with the ’52 Yankees and ’53 Athletics.)
SS Tony Suck (3 hits in 10 AB in 1883 and 1884 – a fellow who proved quickly he had been misnamed – then disappeared).
OF Johnny Dickshot (Dickshot was the consensus choice for team captain; actual nickname – “Ugly”; .276 – Pittsburgh, New York Giants, Chicago White Sox in the 30’s and 40’s. NB: Suck and Dickshot played in different eras, so it might be considered a blessing that no manager ever had to fill out a line-up card with their names in the order given here.)
OF “Soup” Campbell (a war-years Indian);
OF “Count” Campau (who played in 1888, 1890 and 1894; the rest of the time he was at the castle);
Utility man (2B, 3B, SS, OF) “Sour Mash” Jack Daniels (.187, ’52 Boston Braves)…
…and last but not least – Pinch HitterMose Hirsch “The Rabbi of Swat” Solomon (who had to have had a wonderful PR firm at work for him; the guy gathered three hits in eight AB, but no home runs).
You may fill out the rest of the 25-man roster with your Razor Shines and others.