I recently talked with a couple who were having sexual problems. The conversation started kind of matter as fact and then, slowly, this issue came to the surface. Sex in a relationship is either a strong bond that reinforces their togetherness or its a rotten spot opening up the marriage for intrusion and resentment.
Her complaint was that he didn’t initiate sex.
He sat quiet while she talked about how he didn’t make moves and initiate intimacy. Eventually, he opened up: he didn’t come to her because she was no longer approachable. When asked about her aura of responsiveness, she became teary-eyed. This zealous woman, upset about her lack of sex, had long ago lost interest in her own body. She found her self out of shape and felt far from the woman she was. Sadly, this man’s wife looked at herself with nothing but disgust. A disgust that she tried her best to hide in the loneliness of crying by herself.
So here’s the question: would YOU have sex with you?
Do you find yourself sexy? Do you find arousal in touching your own body? If you don’t, then your sexual life will inevitably reflect this self-disgust. If you find your God-given form repulsive, then sexually, you will reflect this. And your spouse, in-tuned with you both verbally and non-verbally will sense that you are not approachable.
So, what do you do?
Love yourself. Every muscle and bone. Nerve and tendon. Every bulge, roll, wrinkle and zit. End the parade of insults describing yourself and take stock of those around you who bring you down. Think about it this way: would you allow someone to just walk up and call you fat, too short, too tall, too dark or too pale? I would hope not. So why do it to yourself?
If you cannot love yourself on your own, seek professional help with a therapist or counselor. Sometimes, even the best of us need help moving past old ghosts and old demons that we’ve grown up with.
Love yourself so that you’ll let someone do the same.