Postnatal madness?! non of us are prefect

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Ever felt like you where losing you mind? They say if you know you are going mad you aren’t. Sixteen months ago I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl, she was all mine, and since her father had gone off and left me 6 months pregnant I had to do it all on my own. I knew I could, I managed to survive the break up, finish course work and do exams for not three but four A levels, and I even managed to work part time with pregnancy induced symphysis pubis dysfunction (clicking in your pubic bone to you and me, painful!) 
I coped well with pregnancy, and apart from having SPD and having to wear a support belt and go for physiotherapy every so often, everything was as it should be, and all considered the birth was painful but amazing, and mum even cut the cord and took the obligatory first photos. If my memory serves me well Isabelle was three weeks old when I started losing the ability to control my emotions, I never felt connected to her and instead of wanting to spend every waking minuet watching her I sent her off to her Nana’s with the excuse I needed to prepare for exams and finish course work .In actual fact I was off pissing my money up against a wall to escape reality of being a mum. It wasn’t hard to pretend I loved this little girl to bits because I did, but what I found hard was trying to think of her as my own. I’d spent three months completely on my own with her before she entered the world and it was the best time of my life, I made the effort to eat healthily, buy matching bedding, toys and outfits and I even managed to paint the whole house because I wanted everything to be prefect. Everything looked prefect, my house could have been mistaken for a show home and I walked out of hospital in my size ten jeans. Everything was prefect and the way everybody including myself thought it should be, except for the way I felt.
I didn’t plan on uncontrollable crying. I’d get into the car and cry, I didn’t know why I was crying, after all I had it all minus the man and men are more trouble than there’re  worth so surely I had it easier than most? The crying was something I could live with, it happened most days, it never happened around people, it was a solitary activity that only I knew about, what I found most disturbing was the memory loss and the frustration and anger that it seemed to generate and I had no control over. On more than one occasion I left my keys in the door so that any Tom, Dick or Harry could have let themselves in or even taken my car. Actions like this lead me to kick off at anyone that spoke to my out of turn whether I know them or not, I felt as if I was going mad!
I became so oversensitive to the word “no” I was being accused of being a spoilt brat by my parents. I’d changed, and I was struggling but I had more than most so not only did I feel sad all the time but I felt guilty for feeling so rubbish.

When my daughter was twelve weeks old I broke down at the doctors and although I promised myself I would never let anybody see me struggling, I felt relived when he said lots of woman feel this way and with antidepressants I would soon see an improvement. I was also helped by the health visitor who sent me on a baby massage course which was designed to help the bonding process, and to group therapy to improve my self esteem. 

Knowing now that lots of woman feel so repulsive and quite frankly mad why is motherhood made out to be the best thing that will ever happen to you? 
I was warned about postnatal depression by the midwife while I was pregnant, and I’d read articles about woman who had suffered from it, but I was together and never had any mental health problems so dismissed it as a possibility and chose to believe the hype about how great it would be and look on the bright side. Nothing prepared me for way it took hold and made me feel completely redundant to life. I couldn’t ask for help because I’d forgotten how to communicate and I was worried about being judged as a bad mum. I wanted so much to feel instant love with my baby and I wanted to look like all the other mums in toddler group, in truth just like in any other aspect of your personal, love and work life something’s take time to develop. Not many people can say they saw their partner and fell madly in love, so being excepted to fall madly in love with your child just adds pressure when its not needed. Never feel ashamed to ask for help, it means your sensible and willing to change for the better, sometimes madness is just the effect of the pressure and expectations we put on ourselves, so take time out once in a while. You deserve it.

Ever felt like you where losing you mind? They say if you know you are going mad you aren’t. Sixteen months ago I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl, she was all mine, and since her father had gone off and left me 6 months pregnant I had to do it all on my own. I knew I could, I managed to survive the break up, finish course work and do exams for not three but four A levels, and I even managed to work part time with pregnancy induced symphysis pubis dysfunction (clicking in your pubic bone to you and me, painful!) 
I coped well with pregnancy, and apart from having SPD and having to wear a support belt and go for physiotherapy every so often, everything was as it should be, and all considered the birth was painful but amazing, and mum even cut the cord and took the obligatory first photos. If my memory serves me well Isabelle was three weeks old when I started losing the ability to control my emotions, I never felt connected to her and instead of wanting to spend every waking minuet watching her I sent her off to her Nana’s with the excuse I needed to prepare for exams and finish course work .In actual fact I was off pissing my money up against a wall to escape reality of being a mum. It wasn’t hard to pretend I loved this little girl to bits because I did, but what I found hard was trying to think of her as my own. I’d spent three months completely on my own with her before she entered the world and it was the best time of my life, I made the effort to eat healthily, buy matching bedding, toys and outfits and I even managed to paint the whole house because I wanted everything to be prefect. Everything looked prefect, my house could have been mistaken for a show home and I walked out of hospital in my size ten jeans. Everything was prefect and the way everybody including myself thought it should be, except for the way I felt.
I didn’t plan on uncontrollable crying. I’d get into the car and cry, I didn’t know why I was crying, after all I had it all minus the man and men are more trouble than there’re  worth so surely I had it easier than most? The crying was something I could live with, it happened most days, it never happened around people, it was a solitary activity that only I knew about, what I found most disturbing was the memory loss and the frustration and anger that it seemed to generate and I had no control over. On more than one occasion I left my keys in the door so that any Tom, Dick or Harry could have let themselves in or even taken my car. Actions like this lead me to kick off at anyone that spoke to my out of turn whether I know them or not, I felt as if I was going mad!
I became so oversensitive to the word “no” I was being accused of being a spoilt brat by my parents. I’d changed, and I was struggling but I had more than most so not only did I feel sad all the time but I felt guilty for feeling so rubbish.

When my daughter was twelve weeks old I broke down at the doctors and although I promised myself I would never let anybody see me struggling, I felt relived when he said lots of woman feel this way and with antidepressants I would soon see an improvement. I was also helped by the health visitor who sent me on a baby massage course which was designed to help the bonding process, and to group therapy to improve my self esteem. 

Knowing now that lots of woman feel so repulsive and quite frankly mad why is motherhood made out to be the best thing that will ever happen to you? 
I was warned about postnatal depression by the midwife while I was pregnant, and I’d read articles about woman who had suffered from it, but I was together and never had any mental health problems so dismissed it as a possibility and chose to believe the hype about how great it would be and look on the bright side. Nothing prepared me for way it took hold and made me feel completely redundant to life. I couldn’t ask for help because I’d forgotten how to communicate and I was worried about being judged as a bad mum. I wanted so much to feel instant love with my baby and I wanted to look like all the other mums in toddler group, in truth just like in any other aspect of your personal, love and work life something’s take time to develop. Not many people can say they saw their partner and fell madly in love, so being excepted to fall madly in love with your child just adds pressure when its not needed. Never feel ashamed to ask for help, it means your sensible and willing to change for the better, sometimes madness is just the effect of the pressure and expectations we put on ourselves, so take time out once in a while. You deserve it.

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