My Light, My Heart

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When it comes to the experiences that are associated with life, some people are able to deal with things head on, while others find comfort with the help of others, and some haven’t discovered the strength or courage within themselves to move on.  When it comes to life, we all approach it differently and in our own way.  Sometimes the way in which it is handled may not make sense to others around us, and in some cases, months or years later, we ourselve’s do not understand why we took a certain path, asking the well known question, “What Was I Thinking?”  However, when this question is posed to our own reality, chances are you have made it through a crisis and have found yourself able to move on.

In time, all the experiences that you find before you will in some way make you a stronger person, but in time may also help someone you know find the comfort they seek or the strength they need to move on.  Despite the many relationships you may find yourself having been a part of, or just a select few, there will always be key moments that continue to come to mind, some memories will be for the better, others not so good.

Having survived my past, as a child from a broken home with 4 other siblings, it wasn’t any where near the vicinity of an easy childhood.  And despite that we lived in the same household for many years, as an adult I discovered that we, as children had many different views of how we were growing up.  However the one common factor that we all maintain as true fact is our mothers determination.  Despite having been left with the sole responsibility of 5 children, at very young ages, she never gave up on herself and what she could accomplish.  Her constant reminders to us as children that we do not have to settle for anything or anyone as long as we maintain the desire to have better will always play through in my head.  Despite the times that I have forgotten or have chosen not to remember, in the end, it did come back to me.

Having been a part of 2 marriages that produced 4 beautiful children, the lessons that I have learned from these have helped me to be where I am today.  But a prior relationship assisted in determining who I am today and where I am now heading in life.

Looking back at all the parts made up of our relationship, regret is something that will never be present.  Regardless of the direction in which we both went our separate ways, he brought something into my life that no man was able to accomplish, he blessed me with the knowledge of what it truly meant to love someone, heart and soul.  He assisted in helping me discover that I am a much stronger person than I gave myself credit for.  And he gave me the opportunity to learn forgiveness without conditions, for myself.

Despite the endless tears and heartache, the numerous arguments and the occasional bouts of hatred and anger, his presence and worth in my life were never dismissed.  The memories that I keep for myself now are those of early years, some good and just a dash of bad.  Whether we were watching a movie, walking his dog or finding things in which to blame each other for, they are all memories that I have decided for myself were the ones that I wished to keep.

When life is going in a direction in which you have chosen, the feelings can get quite overwhelming, especially the first time you realize that it is actually working.  The choice you made is starting to come full circle, despite the numerous times in which you may have second guessed yourself.  When you find yourself wanting to move on unobstructed and without hesitation, initially you may stop, look back and feel guilty.  When this occurs, it is normal.  However, how you handle that glitch is up to you and the decision you make will ultimately determine exactly how far you are willing to move forward.

At times when it comes to the prior relationship, there may be events, both personally and emotional that keep you from moving forward, despite the amount of time that has passed since it’s ending.  For me, personally and emotionally there were two major, and well known factors that I dealt with regularly.  They were issue’s in which I had taken full responsibility of, therefore the guilt and blame I put on myself kept me from moving on.  Often times I felt the need to have closure with these, and each time that it didn’t happen, I believed forgiveness for what had happened wasn’t deserved.  What I failed to realize at the time was that it wasn’t his forgiveness that I needed, it was the ability to forgive myself.

Learning to accept that what happened, well, happened.  As much as we all wish we could find some way back in time to correct our mistakes, or change a specific direction in life, that can’t happen.  In some cases your past or that of others will deserve forgiveness, and in some cases you will only find that there is a better understanding of an action, but regardless of what your decision is, remember that it is your decision in the end.

Whether you chose to remain living a life in the past or you are blessed with an opportunity to create a new future, the choice is always yours to do with as you see fit.  When you expect for all relationships to end in disaster and heartache, you deny yourself an opportunity at finding out who you really are.  And surprisingly you may discover that you can really be happy again, you can move on without guilt following closely behind.

As much as I wish my ability to move on happened overnight and without complication, it did not.  My strength took about 3, perhaps 4 years to be discovered, but I did find it.  Now looking back, I am grateful for the experiences I had, but I am really looking forward to what will be discovered in my future.


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