Maintaining Your Sanity…. oh wait, look, the ex……

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When it comes to your current relationship, odds are that both of you will have ex’s that are either ran into purely by chance, or perhaps it may seem to be more of a stalking nature as the ex seems to appear behind every bush, around a corner, in a store or at a night club while the two of you are out and about.

Now, taking into consideration the key word ‘ex’, obviously an issue arouse in which either party could not work it out, therefore the relationship came to an end, thus freeing them up for you.  So, was it an amicable ending and left on good terms, or did all hell break loose and the devil locked his doors?  If there was ever a question as to what the condition was at the end, you will more than likely have a good idea by the time the day is done.

Whether paternal or not, When there are children that are a part of the prior relationship, the possibility of coming into contact with the ex is almost always going to happen, perhaps not daily, but it will happen.  Trying to maintain a civil tongue and/or relationship at best can be difficult due to various issue’s that occured during the split or for current situations.  Try to keep in mind that in most cases, what you know about the ex of your current love is probably 95% hearsay.  So before passing judgement or making a decision that it is automatically going to be a bad day, at least allow yourself to view them for what you, yourself see and/or hear.  Sometimes it may surprise you that although you did not leave the best of friends, you still had an enjoyable time, in the same vicinity.  Also remember and take into consideration, seeing an ex happy with someone who isn’t you, has to be an emotionally difficult time, even for those we consider the worst of the worst.

When the relationship has no personal ties such as children, these ex’s can be difficult to understand.  The amount of time between ending the relationship with them and beginning a new one with you can also come into play on how things go, even if they themselves ended it.  There are those who feel there were alot of personal issue’s that were never dealt with and would like some form of closure.  There are those who will swear to the end of eternity that the person your with was this horrible horrible person, and they just want to warn you, and yet they are still trying to maintain a point of contact or communication with said horrible person.  And then there are those who do not understand how things went so wrong, they may truly still have feelings and want to work it out, and maintain a belief that you are just a friend helping their boyfriend/girlfriend.  However your current love is very adament that it is over and wants nothing more to do with the ex.

When it comes to new relationships, the hardest thing to do is step back from it.  But there are times that stepping back and allowing the other person to tie up loose ends unobstructed will be needed.  If your new interest spends alot of time comparing your current relationship to that of their old, comparing you as a person to the one they left behind, or spends a lot of time communicating with the ex, whether initiated by them or not, then you may need to take into consideration that perhaps there is something still there and it needs to be resolved.  Emotionally for yourself, it would be easier to get over a relationship less than 2-5 months old, then one that has been going on any longer than that.  In some cases despite the references to the ex, it really may be over between them and they are trying to hard to convince themselves that they are not repeating the past, they have found what they have been seeking.  Taking time to sit down and discuss these issue’s one on one is a must.  Being honest about your feelings associated with the reminders of the ex need to be at the forefront.  As with most relationships, whether past or present, there are emotional issue’s that may remain and should be dealt with accordingly.  Expecting someone to cut off all communication with an ex when there are children involved is not only going to emotionally affect your relationship, but also that of the children, and in most cases, when a parent has to chose in such situations, they will chose the other parent of their children.

There are those ex’s as well that will try to save you from making a horrible mistake, because they use to be where you are.  Considering that at some point they have already made their point about the horrible past relationship, now you can tell them, warning noted.  One of the common issue’s brought up is how they were treated personally, how they were possibly cheated on, how they were ignored or left behind, etc…. possibilities are endless.  A quick and simple resolution, well, it worked for me anyway is to remind them that it was their past not yours.  Basically what I said was,

“It’s unfortunate for what had occured, but I did not know either of you prior, so thank you for the warning but i’ll take my chances as the person you have described is someone I do not know.  Since I did not know either of you, what happened in the past is just that, between you and him/her, not us.”

It has now been over 2 years without incident from either of them.

Unfortunately a part of life includes being hurt.  Regardless of your gender, the pain felt can be overwhelming at times.  There are those who live on drama or have to create it.  There are those who can turn off their emotions like switch lights.  There are those who have truly loved and can’t get past a certain relationship, whether or not the other person has moved on.  There are those who find themselves in a new relationship, only to find that they truly do have feelings for the ex and want to work it out.  Regardless of where your relationship is, honesty and communication is the only way to deal with such issue’s that arise.  Avoiding them, or denying their existance can only make things worse.

Relationships don’t start with a set of instructions.  It can be a hit and miss situation, but it is a learning experience.  Dealing with pain and complications is a part of that learning experience, which may also include discovering that the ex of your current love is perhaps not as bad as you were led to believe.  However, maintaining your own identity and acknowledging your hunches or intuition through out a relationship can in some cases keep the wolve’s at bay, so-to-speak.  Don’t be afraid to speak out when there is a question or something just doesn’t seem right, whether it is something you’ve discovered or something you may have been told, if there’s nothing to hide the answer will be provided without hesitation.

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