What was it like growing up?
A living nightmare. Living in fear, shame, feeling guilty, criticism being condemn and hostility, being riducule in everything you say or do and made to feel ashame. No guidance and encouragment. Shoots, I cannt even recollect any memories that there was happiness and peace in our home. Something was always going on. From Uncle fighting with the brother-in-law, oldest brother drinking and can’;t forget my father, he was a heavy gambler and he drag the two youngest daughter’;s along with him to go the horse races. Youngest was me and and another female sibling.
I don’;t believe to my best of what I can remember that our father would sit down and ever having a communication wanting to hear about my goals or dreams for our future. Our home was hetic at all times, like walking on egg shells. Mother hardly home, she worked just to get away from the problems at home. Do I have regrets being the daughter of two parents who gave me life? at times. I am one out of fifteen children that my parents had together. Nine of those children passed away before I was born. Another daughter passed away when she was 51 year’;s of age from cancer. Her last words were- “The only Reason the Family is visiting me, because I am dying! the words live with me today because she said a mouthful. I can’;t express enough how it was growing up in my home. Never a dull moment. A lot of negativity, than postive. Mother gave us birth and life, that is all she gave us. When I was born the oldest sibling more raised us. I am so messed up today from year’;s of verbal abuse from my childhood year’;s. I don’;t trust no man and have very diffucult expressing my feelings. Oh, how do I live by those words: It takes a very special man to be a dad, to be a mom, anybody can be a father or mother. I just feel that I was more of an headache to my father and in the way to where he made me feel that he wish the youngest daughter and I was not born. Youngest daughter whom is the baby of the family got very much attention, she was so close to our father, daddy’;s girl. I hardly can remember much about having good childhood memories that I could treasure after the accident. Middle brother hit me on the top of the head with a 2×4 object and busted my head wide open where I had to be rushed to the hospital and by the time grandma and father got me to the hospital I fell in a coma. In the 2×4 piece of board there were yet nail intacted in the wood. I was told it was an accident. It wasn’;t until year’;s later through having some major tests done of the brain the tests came back where I was told that I have Head Trauma Amnesia, reason I cannot remember a lot of my childhood year’;s accept the bad things that happen to me. In having a conversation with the younger sibling she speaks of memories of our childhood past and asks me if I remember. I try to consetrate trying to remember but Nope, can’;t say I do. My brain injury had a big impact that changed my life today. How I was raised. I fight to survive to continue to live a healthy productive life. I do however have learning disabilites and lost a good percentage of my hearing. Called Nerve deafness. My parents made a lot of mistakes having too many babies in the first place where mother got over-whelming for her and raising the youngest children in a healthy enviornment. Parents were more selfish and self center only living their dreams and not concern about their children’;s future. When I became a mother, I tried to be the best mother I could be and not to repeat my parents mistakes. What is done is done and I have learn to live my life with disabilites that was caused by my brain injuries and the life I was handed.