Bad relationships

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I have been married to the same man twice, for thirteen years.  I am now separated from him.  For thirteen years we have lived a life full of revolving volitility… often times, mutual.  During these past thirteen years, I have learned some very valuable things about myself and about life.  It is my hope, that in sharing these things with you, you might be able to use the thngs I’ve learned to benefit you or someone you love. 

 The first thing I’ve learned is that life will try to teach you lessons over and over until you learn from them.  For all of those years, my husband and I repeated the same cycle over and over:  petty arguments for days escalating into enourmous fights, followed by a sort of honey moon where everything was fine.  Each cycle ended with us being in love and vowing to never fight again…but, we did, over and over again.  There wasn’t a week in thirteen years where that cycle didn’t repeat itself.  Usually, the fights were centered around the same issue…control.  We both wanted to control.  I wanted control over myself, and my duties as a mother, and as a wife, and as a person.  He wanted control over everything, including how I acted, dressed, shopped, and ate…even my ability to have friends of my own.   I allowed this cycle to repeat, thinking that the way I was handling it would work for me one day.  It never did.

The second thing I’ve learned is that I was a sort of unasuming masoquist.  I was insistant on bending to please thinking that a “good wife” gives and sacrifices so that her husband will love her.  As time went on, and I was giving more and more, I was receiving less and less.  I felt depleated and depressed.  I began to take a good look at myself and what I noticed is that I felt that there was something wrong with me; something disfiguring…but I couldn’t put my finger on what.  I knew that my husband was important to me, but why?  Why was I hanging on so dearly?  One day, at church, I spoke to my minister about how I was feeling and he told me something life-changing.  He said, “With some people, it doesn’t matter how many people are nice to them, it’s the ones who treat them poorly that they chase around, trying to find out why they aren’t liked.”  With that, I realized that for thirteen years, I had chased my husband through all of those cycles, trying to establish my self worth through him.   I wanted him to one day realize that I was wonderful and proclaim it to the world!  Then, in my mind, I would have accomplished the mission of “curing” myself of feeling disfigured.  It would be an affirmation that I had purpose and I could move on with life.  Of course, logically, we can all read this and know that style of thinking is nonsense.  If someone told me they felt that way, I would tell them that they were silly…that it was crazy talk.  The reality is, though, it’s not uncommon for people to get stuck in that self-made rut….and the majority of us keep it to ourselves.

The third thing I’ve learned is that to truly know the evil in ones self, you have to experience the evil in someone else…that is the only way to see your dark side for what it is, and chose to change it.  I’m not saying that I’m evil, but, I am saying that each human being is meant to be a balance; biologically, mentally, spritually, ritually, etc… I think part of the mission in our lives is to try and mainain that balance.  It’s our duty to try, so that we can be part of the balance in society and then the world, and ultimately the universe.  So, with that being said, if you see an imbalance in someone else, or experience it from someone you love on a regular basis, that’s life teaching you that you’re imbalanced.  You have to change your self to break the cycle and move on.  You have to fix what’s broken with in you.  Instead of chasing people who are imbalanced trying to figure out what is wrong with you, turn with in.  Look at you motives for repeating this cycle.  Find what’s broken within you and bring it out into the world, into the light, so you can see it for what it is and make it disappear.  Then you can be balanced.

Finally, the last thing I’ve learned so far is that perfection is a mirage.  I’m still learning.  I’ll never stop learning.  There are many mysteries in life, and I’d say a good 99.9% of them lie with in you, but, to aim for perfection is to avoid the truth.  The truth is…and it’s been said time and time again… nobody is perfect.  It’s a goal that can never be achieved.  Perfection is a way to keep your focus off of balancing yourself and off of being happy with who you are.  It’s a way of punishing yourself because you think no one loves you.  I did that… I strived for it….and the more that I tried, the less energy I had, and the more depressed I became, until I was desperately imbalanced in every way.  

The goal in life is balance.  Learn your lessons, cut your losses, love the mistakes you make by accident and avoid the ones you make on purpose…and whatever you do… keep trying.  LIVE. It’s your world, just the same as it is any one else’s.  Find others that match your positive qualities.  Make freinds.  Share stories.  Show you’re human side.  Love and be happy.  Don’t take your days for granted.  Don’t spend your time worrying if someone loves you.  Don’t waste your time worrying about pleasing others because you want them to judge your worth. Just be happy.  Obtain balance…and the world will come to life around you in a way you never imagined.

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