God, Help Me

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I have found in my life that I have only one friend who really understands me and is there for me, but that’s okay.  When it comes down to it I wouldn’t have it any other way.  My friend has given strength, faith, and hope when I thought there wasn’t any.

He had been there from the beginning, but it took me a while to realize it.   By the age of 19 I had lost custody of my son and was in and out of jail on misdemeanor charges.  No matter how hard I tried I always ended up back in jail because of my own stupidity.  Finally I realized that something had to give.  I loved my son with all my heart and not having him with me was ripping at my insides.  Finally I found the answer when my cell mate began reading me some of her favorite scriptures.  I called my grandfather that night and asked him to bring me my bible.  Within thirty minutes my grandfather had gotten dressed and driven to the jail to bring me the book that would turn my life around.  

I began to read and I couldn’t put the book down.  I had read a children’s bible when I was younger but this had been the first time I had picked up the book in many years.  I stayed up the whole night reading my bible.  The last two weeks I was in jail I spent every waking moment with the book in my hands.  I read it cover to cover.  And the day I was released I dropped to my knees and prayed to God for help, help to get my life on track, help to do what was best for my son, help to be a strong person, and help to be a better person.

Within an hour of being home I got a phone call from a friend I hadn’t talked to in at least a year.  He had come to see me that day, we had lunch and then spent the next several hours catching up and talking about the world.  I began dating James and had never been so in love with someone.

Over the next several months I found a job and filed for custody of my son.  I did not win that battle and I began to think that God had failed me.  Then I began to realize that god was only helping me do what was best for my son.  At that time I was neither mentally or financially able to care for my son.  Although I did not get custody of my son I was given weekend visitation.

About a year and a half after my release from jail my grandmother passed away.  That was one toughest times of my life.  My grandparents had raised me from the time I was just a baby.  My grandmother was my teacher and my mother figure.  The night I got the call I about my grandmothers death I dropped to my knees and prayed once again.  I prayed for the strength to get through the hardship of my grandmothers loss and I prayed for God to let her tell me goodbye.  At that exact moment an amazing calm came over me.  I stopped crying and shaking and I could feel her there with me.  It was as if she wrapped her arms around me and told me it would be okay.  At that moment I realized that God had let me know that my grandmother was okay.

Here I am exactly three years from the day that I was released from jail and I have not even so much as gotten a speeding ticket since.  I am now married to James and we have a beautiful little girl.  I still do not have custody of my son but I feel that he is doing very well and he is adjusted and I do not want to turn is life upside down.  He still spends every weekend with me and I think he is getting to the age where he can choose who he wants to live with.  I have devoted my life to God, he is now in control.  But that is okay because I wouldn’t have it any other way.


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