Sunday, December 17

How NOT to Get a Boy (Or Girl) to Like You

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Now there’;s a confusing title. You look at it and think, “I’;m looking for HOW to get someone to like me!” However, my interpretation of this is my reader taking it and saying, “Wow, this girl has been in and seen a hell of a lot of terrible, as well as excruciatingly painful, situations. Now I’;ll remember what to NOT do!” So hopefully those of you out there who are inexperienced will use this to help you.

1. DON’;T be balanced. We all know how this situation goes. It’;s those scary times when you teeter out of your bedroom in ten inch heels, all set to dance the night away at Homecoming with your date. So, I suggest not falling flat on your face. While sometimes pushing your body up close to the ground may seem attractive, I can accurately tell you this is not a good idea. Heels plus anything active ultimately results in a clumsy disaster. For example, I have a very clear memory in my mind of running in heels, through a water puddle no less, and slipping and falling right on my butt in front of not only a wonderfully tall, gorgeous, and strong boy, but a huge crowd of people I didn’;t even know. This of course resulted in lots of laughter at my expense, a bruised tailbone, and a fairly depressing slow motion replay of every second of it being permanently stuck in my mind. Overall, if you ever need to scare away those people clawing for your attention, remember just to fall right on your ass in front of them! It’;s definitely the way to go.

2. Try to smell repulsive. Eat up all the garlic you can and run a couple laps before you go to meet your date. It’;s always super cute when you show up dripping with sweat! Pack your fresh smelling deodorants away, and don’;t even bother buying that minty pack of gum at the store. Smelling your armpits right in front of your date is always a turn on too (this time, I surprisingly enough wasn’;t the one humiliating myself!) and definitely screams ‘;relationship’; material. Also, remember before you lean into kiss them, whisper what you ate. This is always really sexy. Ugh. 

3. Check out every person who walks by. Oh god. That guy with the crystal blue eyes and the super toned body looks GREAT. Or that girl with the perfect silky hair and super long legs? Amazing. Just make sure you let your date know that you’;re thinking this. The best way to achieve this is to stare very hard at the person as they walk by and to keep glancing over at them. You could probably get some extra brownie points for drooling too. I might even throw a comment in there like, “Who is THAT?” or maybe, “Never have I seen such a god like creature in my life.” After, make sure you look your date directly in the eye, and give them a very pitiful smile.

4. Get crazy out of your mind wasted. There are so many different kinds of drunk people! Which one are you? The giggly drunk, the emotional drunk, maybe the angry drunk? Who knows. The one thing I can tell you with extreme positivity is that you will for sure act like a complete idiot. You might scream at your date and scare them to death. Maybe you’;ll cry on their shoulder about an ex. Whatever the case, the one rule for this is that whenever somebody offers you yet an extra drink, the correct answer is always yes! If you’;re lucky, you might even end up barfing on the person’;s shoes. This leaves them with a perfect clear memory of how you smell (refer to number two).

5. Disagree with them in every way possible. When they start talking about how much they love your favorite band, drown your feelings out and just say how much you absolutely hate their music. Then I would recommend saying how Rebecca Black is your favorite artist. Also, interrupting them is extremely effective as well. It shows them how sweet and considerate of a person you are. For example, when they start to tell the waiter what they want, just cut them off in the middle of their sentence and say what you want. Come on, you’;re the number one priority after all! THEY should have had the manners to let you order first. People are crazy these days, the world’;s a rough place.

In conclusion, next time you go out, remember these five key tips. So relax, grab a few beers, and bite into an onion. It will all be ok.

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