Disasterous Dating. It Happens to The Best of us

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I came out of a bad relationship at the tender age of 21 and was completely anti-men. My girlfriends told me I was the best contraceptive going, because if any man thought about approaching me on a night out, he would soon change his mind and run a mile with the reaction I would give him.

After a while I began to chill out slightly. I worked in a bar in town and met most of my ‘dates’ in there – which clearly wasn’t the best way to go about it judging by the clientele. Anyway, one night I was being my usual fed-up and sarcastic self to some idiot drunk leaning over the bar, when his friend sidled up sober as a judge, apologised for his friends behaviour and said he liked girls like me who took no crap, he was highly entertained by the way I spoke to his friend, and did I fancy going out one night. He was 10 years older than me and seemed nice enough. I’ll call him (S).

We went out, he was really cool, really funny, had me in stitches, the conversation just flowed and he was great company. Problem? I wasn’t in the slightest bit attracted to him. He was a nice enough looking guy, but there was not even the tiniest spark there. He would have made a fantastic friend, but nothing more. However, giving him the benefit of the doubt I agreed to date number 2. He came over with wine, a DVD and he cooked me dinner. Again it was a lovely evening but it was like spending it with my best male friend. Any spark developing? No. I knew I couldn’t lead him on and go for date 3. He told me he’d won a competition to go to Paris and wanted to take me. Whoa – slow down cowboy! Well he kept calling me and I ignored the calls thinking he’d take the hint. He didn’t. He drove Lorries so just happened to ‘drop-by’ one day at 9am!!! I wasn’t up and I never answered the door unless I was expecting someone, so I ignored the door. He text me to say it was him and he’d just parked the lorry up and though he’d pop over. WTF? Where was the lorry????? I lived in a Close!!

Still not getting the hint to my lack of response, I spoke to my mum about it. She told me what to do. So I text (S) and said he was a lovely guy, but my Counsellor told me that I shouldn’t be getting involved with anyone at my ‘stage of therapy’ – especially with the medication I was on.

I never heard from him again. Thanks mum.

I met another guy when I was at work (do you see a pattern forming here?). I’ll call him (R). We went out and he sat there talking about himself most of the night (yawn), and he told me he liked small women, about a size 6-8, blonde hair, who wore short skirts and high heels, were demure, quiet and basically had no opinion and spoke when spoken to. Okay the last bit weren’t his EXACT words, but I sussed that one out. So I sat there wandering WHY had he asked ME out? I was size 10, brunette, wearing jeans and a top, and I’m stroppy and extremely opinionated. Mmmmm. Not sure this was going to work.

I’ve always found that the 1st dates are a bit awkward so I like to give it a second go before I make my mind up. So he came over with a bottle of red wine, crackers and cheese to nibble on. I’m a white wine girl, and I detest cheese. Mmmmm. Really not convinced about this one. I also didn’t like the way he shoved my cat off his lap. I’m a huge animal lover and my little cat is so friendly and likes nothing more than sitting on laps. Shoving her away was a big black mark against this guy. (Yes – I am going to end up that crazy cat woman, found weeks after my death half eaten by Fluffy and Snookins). I decided by the end of the evening there was definitely NOT going to be a date number 3.

He came into my work to see me. I hid and hissed to the other barmaid to serve him and tell him I was busy. She thought this was hilarious and decided to wind me up profusely about this. I didn’t dare come out of the kitchen and stood praying he’d get the hint, finish his drink and leave. He didn’t. DAMN him!!! I had to tell him I was really busy and didn’t have time to talk. He left. He called, I ignored him. He took the hint and left me alone.

About 2 years later I get a text from an unknown number asking how I was and asking if they could come and see me. I asked who it was, and (R) replied it was him. I actually had to go to bed and sleep on it racking my brains to who (R) was. In the morning it came to me, so imagine my surprise that he’d text, and imagine my surprise that he still had my number. He text again saying he wasn’t sure if we had parted on good terms or not. I said not really. He replied he thought we’d got on really well and he was coming to the area and would like to ‘hook up’. I said we didn’t have anything in common; he obviously liked women who are the total opposite to me. He said that wasn’t true. So I said I liked men who were the total opposite to him. Silence. He took the hint.

Next up was a guy I met through my sister’s boyfriend whilst clubbing in London. He was part of a big group of us. He was great when I was drunk, or high on dancing. We saw each other like this for the first several times. When he came over to mine and we were sober, I realised he had the worst monotone voice – EVER! I wanted to shake him to get some expression into his speaking. I remember I sat on the sofa watching his mouth, not listening to a word he said, just hearing the drone of his voice. When I shut the door on him I knew that was it. Goodbye. I got into a 7 year relationship with his best mate instead.

Dating. God its hard work. And most of the time tediously dull. Please don’t make me do it again!!!!!!

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