It has really made increasingly common for partners to cheat on another. Putting aside the moral and social judgments of this fact, let’s look at how the affected partner can see and react to the cheating in the only manner that will bring true peace and happiness. Following is an example of the ‘cheating partner’ issue.
“I revealed that my fella, Jack, has been cheating on me, and it turns out that this cheating wench is a mate of mine who is cheating on HER fella, . I need to choke him, and then tear her hair out, but before I do all that, I thought I’d ask you what I could say to both of them.”
First let’s discuss what your fella has done, and then we’ll deal with the other woman.
It is obvious that Jack doesn’t have actual Love in his life, because he is trying to fill his emptiness with the praise, power, and pleasure he can get from another woman. His lack of Actual Love started long before he met you–almost definitely a lifetime of experiences together with his parents, teachers, friends, and others. Nothing unusual about that–that’s the case with the giant majority of people.
Then he met you, and the Imitation Love you traded with another-flattery, power, sex, whatever-was intoxicating. I am positive you both thought the love you shared was actual. But you have much proved that it wasn’t, haven’t you? Imitation Love always wears off–that’s what happened between you–and now Matthew has gone looking for a brand spanking new and more fascinating source of it. That new source will wear off, , but Matthew doesn’t recognize that yet.
You don’t feel unconditional love in YOUR life, either. Your desire to “choke him,” and to “tear her hair out” are indications that you don’t feel unconditionally loved or loving, and that has made a giant contribution to the failure of your relationship with Matthew.
With both of you lacking Actual Love, the one of you could not possibly have established an unconditionally loving relationship. What you had in the beginning was fascinating, but only because the effects of Imitation Love hadn’t worn off yet.
It is critical that you determine that this affair is not about YOU. He was trying to fill up HIS emptiness. He chosen to have an affair. He could have chosen to spend more time at work, or drink alcohol, or take drugs, or any number of other things–it’s all the same. That doesn’t make his behavior acceptable, but it ought to make a giant difference in the way you feel toward him. In lieu of wasting your time, energy, and happiness being enraged, you can be understanding and compassionate and make a quiet decision about whether you need to continue with this relationship.
I cannot tell you to stay in this relationship or leave it, but I can portray a quantity of the consequences of either choice.
The choice is to stick with him and recognize that both of you need to get much more of the ingredient–Real Love–that will make a healthy relationship feasible. Learn the way you both can find the love you need, independently and from another. You’ll have powerful new tools that can modify your relationship.