Ten Ridiculously Awesome Cryptids

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Sure, everyone’s heard of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Yeti, El Chupacabra, and aliens. But all these undiscovered creatures are boring compared to the following ten real Jimmy Hoffa’s of the animal kingdom (and by real, I mean respectable, not that they are more likely to exist or not exist than Nessie). Oh, and this is not in any particular order, despite the fact that they’re numbered.

10. The New Jersey Devil

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The New Jersey Devil is one of the more skepticism inducing creatures on this list. After all, it is a fucking kangaroo with hooves, bat wings, a horse/collier head, rat paws, and a hook tail. That, and the fact that the majority of sightings took place at the beginning of the 20th century, back when everybody was paranoid and believed in witchcraft (give or take a few centuries). So it’s easy to dismiss the Jersey Devil as either a hoax or a product of mass hysteria. However, let’s consider the people who sighted this creature. They weren’t crazy paranoid townspeople with pitchforks and torches, nor were they snickering little kids who wanted to fuck around with the minds of older people. They were regular everyday dudes, like mailmen, doctors, lawyers, cops (C’mon, you can’t not trust a cop!), and… Napoleon’s own fucking brother. That’s right, the older brother of the guy who took over all of fucking Europe encountered the Jersey Devil. He even shot at it, too. The mass sightings of 1909 were also accompanied by lots of missing livestock and hoof shaped trackways in the snow that hopped fences, went up roofs, and started and stopped in the middle of nowhere. The difference between the New Jersey Devil and the other cryptids on this list is that the other creatures (should they exist) are just regular animals (asides from the fact that they’ve been undiscovered), whereas the Jersey Devil is actually a supernatural fucking devil thing. Well, having hooves, bat wings, and a diamond tipped tail makes that pretty obvious, but so does its apparent immortality. Like Napoleon’s aforementioned shot at the devil. It was reportedly a direct hit, but the little bitch continued flying nonetheless. Somebody once saw the thing fly into live power line, and then continue flying. Somebody else found a skeleton once, too, but nobody really looked into that. If you have a skeleton of what is alleged to be a winged, hoofed demonic freak of nature, I wonder why nobody would bother to study it some more.

There are several variations of the legend of how the Devil came to be, but the general gist is that an eighteenth century woman named Leeds or a woman living in a town called Leeds was pregnant with her thirteenth child, and either she was pissed off at having so many children and said something along the lines of “May the child be a devil”, or conceived the baby with Satan himself (ew). Either way, the point is that she gave birth to a demonic kangeroo with hooves and a horse face which proceeded to fly out the chimney. The lesson here is plain. Don’t have sex with the Prince of Darkness.

Also, one farmer once left two dobermans chained up in a shed, and the next morning, he found them both (or rather, pieces of them) several feet away from where they were chained up, and obviously in pieces. And they were big dogs, too. So this Devil fucked up not one, but two Cujo’s. That’s scary.

9. The Loveland Frog

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The Loveland Frog is basically a man-frog. Which is pretty ridiculous. Until you see it with your own eyes, that is. Especially if you first see it sprawled out across a lonely road like some sort of unidentifiable roadkill until it suddenly jumps up right in front of you and leaps into a river. That actually happened to a cop on patrol in 1972. The first sighting was made in 1955 by a businessman who saw a bunch of them carrying a big sparkly bar under a bridge. Obviously, the two witnesses, who were separated by two decades, never knew each other or about the other’s encounter. Oh, and one of them was a cop, too. Instant credibility points right there.

8. Trunko

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Facebook friends of mine should recognize this one. This animal was reportedly sighted in Margate, South Africa, on October 25, 1924, fighting two killer whales at once. Think that’s badass? It’s not, because it lost. Trunko’s corpse washed up on the beach a short while later. That’s actually how most Trunko “sightings” occur, in the form of bodies on the beach. Like the Jersey Devil, Trunko is the other platypus of the cryptid kingdom. Its got the trunk of an elephant, a furry covering, and the tail of a lobster, only fleshier. That’s one fucked up sea animal. And these corpses are apparentlyquitenumerous. Unfortunately, modern science had to come along and ruin all the fun, as it was discovered that dead basking sharks, whale sharks, and whale not-sharks have fucked up decomposition cycles that make certain body parts rot away faster than others, giving some bodies the appearance of a Trunko when at a certain stage, complete with a weird effect that makes its outer covering furry. That doesn’t explain how viewers could mistake a decaying basking shark as a furry aquatic elephant thing getting its ass kicked by two orcas unless:

A- It really was a furry aquatic elephant thing getting its ass kicked by two orcas.

B- South Africans had terrible vision in the 20’s and mistook a decaying basking shark being eaten by two orcas as a furry aquatic elephant thing getting its ass kicked by two orcas.

Or C- What they saw was actually a reanimated basking shark zombie, which would be no less stranger than seeing a furry aquatic elephant thing getting its ass kicked by two orcas.

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7. The Enfield Horror

The Enfield Horror is one of the more obscure of cryptids, obviously since it doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia article (thus, it must not exist)! Nor could I find any pictures of it, I’ll describe its story right here. One night, some kid heard something scratching on his front door, so he called his daddy. Daddy gets a gun and opens the front door. He is greeted by… a thing with big goggle eyes and three fucking legs. Obviously, this is not a thing you’d want to find scratching at your front door in the middle of the night, so daddy shoots it. It doesn’t die and simply runs away. Daddy calls the cops and gets arrested. Other people see it and form hunting parties into the woods to find it. They get arrested too. Other other people report seeing UFO’s that night, but that’s not the point. The point is… three fucking legs, man. The fucking thing walked around on three fucking legs

6. The Momo

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Although I’m more likely to believe in the existence of Bigfoot, I find the Momo substantially cooler. Firstly because of its name. It’s called the fucking Momo! That’s short for Missouri Monster. What else? It’s been seen several times with a dead bloody dog under its arm. Freaky. Oh, and hair covers its entire face, too. Now that’s creepy. I mean, seeing a seven foot tall ape like the Sasquatch is frightening enough, but seeing a seven foot tall faceless ape? I just metaphorically shit myself right there. Plus, the Momo’s got an attitude to match.

Take, for instance, this one encounter made by a pair of women, who for some reason, decided to go picnicking in the middle of the woods next to the road (okay, so it isn’t exactly the “middle”), when one of them notices Momo just standing there. That’s right. This freaky seven foot tall faceless carpet of walking hair was just fucking standing there! It didn’t charge out, it didn’t roar, it didn’t try to advertise its presence, it just fucking walked out of the fucking woods and right up to the picnickers. Naturally, the women freak out and run into their car. And just like a bad horror movie, one of the women finds out that she left her car keys in her purse, and she left her purse outside on the ground, which the Momo happens to be standing over. Yep. The Momo is just standing there, as if nothing was wrong, despite the fact that it is a seven foot tall faceless mass of walking hair, which is pretty wrong on its own. Unlike a horror movie, though, the women don’t try to hotwire the car, because that would be just ridiculous. Also, unlike a horror movie, Momo does not attack the car. Instead, it walks up to the car and starts staring into it. The women try honking the horn to scare it away, and while it does initially freak out Momo, he (I’m just assuming on gender here) eventually realizes that it’s just a car horn, and steps to the window and proceeds to continue staring into it. That’s just scary. This hig hairy faceless thing just walks out of nowhere, traps you in your car, and proceeds to just stand there, smushing its hair covered face all over your window while staring at you. The women probably pissed their pants more than once during this encounter. Eventually, Momo gets bored, steals a sandwich from the picnic basket and leaves. After a while (I’m assuming a long while), one of the women gets out of the car, grabs the keys, and drives away, really, really fast.

And if that’s not enough, there’s another even freakier encounter. Some young girl and her mother were hanging out in a parked car, minding their own business, when all of a sudden, Momo jumps out of nowhere, reaches his fucking hand in through the open window, and punches the girl in the face for no fucking reason. Obviously, mommy floors the pedal and speeds away really fast and the girl escapes with a black eye. Think about that. You’re just sitting in a car minding your own business when suddenly a faceless hairy ape man randomly pops up out of nowhere and punches you in the face in your own fucking car just for the sake of punching you in your face. Scary. Oh, and all witnesses reported Momo as smelling like skunk. That’s pretty freaky, too.

Sadly, there’s not much evidence for Momo’s existence. Some footprints were found, and when examined, were revealed to be made by kitchen gloves or something like that. That, and the area where Momo was seen is pretty populated, and it’s unlikely that a seven foot tall faceless hairy thing would go long unnoticed by everybody. There’s no reason to believe that Momo wasn’t simply some dude who decided to put on a hairy costume, spray skunk piss all over himself, and punch random girls in the face as they sit in their cars.

Bigfoot, on the other hand, has more evidence against such a thing. Examination of the famous Patterson footage and various footprint casts (yes, you can find out lots of things from footprints) have revealed a gait that would have been very awkward for a guy in a suit, or any human, for that matter, to produce. It’s not definitive evidence, no, but it certainly doesn’t help the skeptics.

5. The Dover Demon

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Okay, the Dover Demon is also a bit hard to believe, since it was only seen on one night in one area by by three kids, one of whom confessed to being semi-high at the time, and another of whom already had an interest in cryptozoology. So why is the Dover Demon so cool? Well, imagine seeing the thing in the drawing above at night, when you’re alone. I’d be scared shitless. Granted, the reports describe the creature as being small and frail and weak, and one could probably kill it by kicking it if the need arose, but the sheer weirdness of it would be unsettling nonetheless. Also, it had glowing eyes. If something has glowing eyes, it probably has some sort of supernatural prowess and thus kicking it would probably not be a good idea. Also, it’s melon shaped head is unproportionately big and if a creature can hold up such a big head with such a skinny frail little body, it could probably withstand a good kick. So I take back my comment on kicking it.

The first sighting of the Dover Demon was made by a bunch of teenagers driving around at night. The driver saw it walking along the top of a low stone railing in his headlights as he drove past. And then, another kid walking home alone (why the hell anyone would do that at night in the middle of Dover Demon country is unknown to me) saw the creature walking and then running upright around on two feet ($*#^&@%!). And the third sighting… well, remember when I said the Dover Demon was seen three times in the same night? I lied. The third sighting actually came the next night, by another bunch of teenagers in a car. This time, the creature had green glowing eyes, instead of orange glowing eyes like the night before. Not that that made it any less creepy.

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So the Dover Demon was only seen three times by kids. Why hasn’t it been immediately thrown off as a hoax, then? Same reason it’s so famous among cryptozoology circles. That reason is the attention given to it by one of the world’s leading cryptozoologists, Loren Coleman. First off, I must express my admiration towards Mr. Coleman, since he is the most awesome cryptozoologist ever. He has a fucking statue of Bigfoot in his home. That’s awesome. I must also express my condolences for his unfortunate first name, which is phonetically identical to Lauren, which we all know is not a name intended to be given to any man with testicles (women with testicles is another story). Maybe if his name sounded phonetically similar to Laurence, it would be better, because Laurence is a man’s name, but his name isn’t Laurence (which confounds me, since Laurence would probably mean the same thing as Loren, only fittingly manlier). Come on, seriously, a guy with a fucking big tall hairy statue of Bigfoot (and as we all know, big, tall, and hairy equals manly) does not deserve a girl’s name. He should have been named Maximus instead.

Anyways, back to the point. Mr. Coleman personally interviewed all of the witnesses himself (which is what personally means). None of the groups of kids knew each other, ruling out a planned hoax, and they weren’t known as troublemakers. All their friends, families, and teachers also reported that they were not of the lying type. Remember, this came from professional investigating.

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One skeptical theory states that the Dover Demon was a misidentified baby moose. If so, then I hope those skeptics can explain how the fuck something with long graspy fingers, an unproportionately gigantic melon shaped head, glowing eyes, and a fucking bipedal gait can be mistaken for a baby moose. Another theory is that the kids were fooled by some sort of hoax. How the fuck can someone fake a four foot tall animal too skinny to be a midget in a costume? What, did someone hang from the tree above it and puppet it as is ran across a fucking street? Nope. I don’t believe that.

There is some similarity between the Dover Demon and the Mannegishi of Cree folklore. That’s not comforting.

Another not-so-skeptical theory posits that the Dover Demon was an extra-dimensional creature that somehow found its way into our world for a short while, thus explaining the one-time encounter. That’s much freakier than the notion that it was simply some undiscovered creature from Earth, because if it’s an animal from Earth, then at least we’d know that it evolved from the same common ancestor (or intelligent designer, if you believe in that) as everything else we know. If if came from another fucking dimension, then it’s pretty much alien in every single fucking way imaginable. Ahh! And it also suggests that there would be an entire other parallel dimension that’s nothing like the one we live in. It’s frightening just thinking about what sorts of other weird fucked up creatures would be hanging around in an entire other universe that’s nothing like ours. I think I’ll stick to the undiscovered animal hypothesis, thank you very much.

4. The Lizardman of Scape Ore Swamp

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Sorry about the ridiculously long previous entry. Moving on.

The Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp is exactly what it sounds like. A lizard man. That being said, the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp is a freakier cryptid than most (but than again, so is practically everything else on this list) because unlike all those other cryptids, who proceed to just walk around, get seen from very far away, and soil many pants just by getting seen from very far away, the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp decided that just getting seen from very far away wasn’t enough. No, the Lizard Man had to actually attack its witness. So this kid in South Carolina was driving home from his late late shift at McDonald’s at two in the morning, when one of his tires blows out. So he stops, and gets out to change his tires, when he sees this big ugly green scaly guy running towards him. That’s it. No introduction, no crawling out of the woods or anything, this lizardman simply shows up out of nowhere charging at the poor boy for no discernible reason at all. Other than, perhaps, hunger. So naturally, the kid goes “Fuck the tire!”, gets in his car, starts it up, and starts driving. Unfortunately by now, the Lizard Man is already on top of the fucking car. Scratch hunger from discernible reason. Despite what the movies would have you think, no hungry animal is going to jump on top of a ten foot long hunk of speeding metal for a meal. There are so many better ways to get food. So this thing is obviously really pissed off. The poor kid sees the creature’s hands grasping on to the side mirrors and shit, and eventually manages to swing the fucker off. Obviously the first place he drives to is not home, but the police station.

Now I’m assuming that the police initially thought this kid was crazy, that is, until he showed them his car. His car was fucked up. There were scratches all over it, and his side mirror was fucked beyond recognition. Soon after that, more and more reports of the Lizard Man started flooding in, including plenty of reports of damaged cars. But that still doesn’t beat the intial encounter of a fucking pissed Lizard Man running out of nowhere and going apeshit on a confused teenager simply for the sake of going apeshit on him. Damn.

3. The Mongolian Death Worm

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The Mongolian Death Worm isn’t quite as freaky as most of the other creatures on this list, mainly because it’s never actually been seen. But then again, it’s called the Mongolian Motherfucking Death Worm, so that makes up for it. Granted, the Motherfucking part was paraphrased, but it doesn’t matter. What the Death Worm is is basically a big fucking intestine-like worm that lives in the Gobi Desert and can apparently cause instant death in anyone without even having to make physical contact. Most likely, it does this via some sort of bio-electrical mechanism. Yup. That’s right. It’s a fucking burrowing gut that electrocutes people. I’m pretty glad it lives all the way over in the fucking Gobi Desert.

So why is it that scientists are giving the Mongolian Death Worm consideration as an actual undiscovered animal instead of passing it off as another piece of folklore? Well, for one thing, every fucking Mongolian in the Gobi Desert knows about it. And there aren’t a lot of Mongolians in the Gobi Desert, and the different tribes most certainly don’t have contact with one another. Yet they all share the same details in their stories about the Mongolian Death Worm. What’s another thing? The Gobi Desert is fucking huge and fucking not full of people. Pretty much nobody lives in there. It’s harsh, it’s unforgiving, and it’s fucking unexplored. There’s no real telling whether there’s any Death Worms living in there or not. And the Gobi Desert isn’t exactly a stranger to weird shit. Asides from acid-spewing (yes, they can do that, too) Tesla-rized death worms, the Gobi Desert is also known for lots of dinosaur fossils. That includes the 40-foot long turkey dinosaur with bitchingly huge razor sharp claws and an unfittingly herbivorous diet Therizinosaurus, the tiny dinobird with single fingered arms Mononykus, and Oviraptor, which was basically an eighty-five million year old cassowary. So yes, there may be a giant turbocharged acid spitting superworm living there, too.

After all, the electric eel can shock things with electricity, and there are some disgustingly enormous earthworms in Australia. How hard is it to believe that somewhere in the Gobi Desert, there could be a mix of these two creatures?

Disgustingness aside, the Mongolian Death Worm is pretty badass too. Just think, it’s a fucking worm that can kill a bitch just by looking at him/her. It also comes from the same country as Genghis Khan. Go figure.

2. The Monkey Man of Delhi

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I think the name, police sketch, and the fact that the police even drew up a sketch of this guy says enough. Moving on.

1. The Mothman

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The Mothman is relatively well known. After all, there’s even a (unfortunate) film starring Richard Gere based on it. That film doesn’t do the real Mothman any justice at all. For one thing, the film presented the Mothman as an incorporeal supernatural phenomenon that talked to people over the phone. That wasn’t the real Mothman. Actually, the real Mothman was even freakier. Although there were various supernatural phenomenon and strange phone calls linked to the Mothman during its three month stay in Point Pleasant, Virginia from 1966 to 1967, it was for the most part a real flesh and blood physical creature that showed up in people’s backyards. And that makes it even creepier. Especially when you consider what the fucking thing looks like. It’s a man-like torso with owly wings and big glowing red eyes on its chest. On its own fucking chest! The fucking thing’s fucking face is on its own fucking chest! How’s that for creepy? And naturally, most of the time it would just stand there at the edge of the woods starting at the people who saw it. Other times, it would fly over cars until they started nearing town.

The sightings culminated and eventually stopped once the Silver Bridge in the area collapsed, killing 46 people, leading a lot of people to believe that there was something supernatural going on with the Mothman. Of course, that doesn’t really matter because the Mothman had a motherfucking face on its own motherfucking chest!

The Mothman wasn’t the first creature to show up in the minds of people with a face on its chest. Blemmyes were cannibalistic people of Roman mythology. Cannibalistic makes it that much worse. I’m assuming that by cannibalistic, they mean that these face-chest fuckers eat people, but if they’ve got faces on their chests, they’re not exactly people, which makes them not cannibals.

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Also, the Gnaars from the Serious Sam series of video games.

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Forgive me if I’m going over board with this whole face-on-chest thing, but it is just plain freaky, made even freakier by the fact that a whole bunch of people actually saw something like that between 1966 and 1967. It’s just not natural. The chest is not a place that the face is meant to be. That’s what heads are for. Oh, and the fact that the Mothman is pretty much a torso with a pair of wings and glowing eyes is pretty freaky on its own right, too.

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Now imagine if the Mothman wanted to eat somebody. It’s never happened (thank god), I know, and I don’t even know how it would happen, since it doesn’t appear like the Mothman’s got a mouth (which is also fucking freaky). But if it did, how would it go about eating that poor unfortunate somebody? It’s got no hands to take the food to its mouth. Basically, it would have to press its face- i.e. chest- right into its prey. To eat somebody, the Mothman would have to pretty much hug its victim. Can you imagine that? It’s frightening enough to just see a dark winged torso with glowing eyes in the middle of the night, but to spot a dark winged torso with glowing eyes in the middle of the night trying to hug you? Now that’s a guaranteed way to loosen tight bowels. And sanities. That too. And to top that off, it would be trying to eat you, too. Getting eaten by a mysterious dark winged torso with glowing eyes in the middle of the night is probably not a very pleasant thing on its own, and neither is getting hugged by one. Now imagine both happening at once. Yeek!

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