How Not to Open a Bottle of Beer in The Philippines

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As much as I would like to use a photograph for illustrative purposes in this story, I am afraid to say that the daylight setting function on my Sony Digital Camera has shed its mortal coil: so ascending into an electronic heaven. This is a sad fact, because what I am writing about relates to a Filipino social habit that has to be seen to be believed. I have myself witnessed in real, full colour life, people opening a bottle of beer with their teeth! I jest not; this is a real thing that people in this fair land attempt whilst attending a not uncommonly often occurring social event: ones that require consuming litres upon litres of beer. Yes, beer. Not some ‘fancy nancy’ bottle of Châteaux something or other.

I mentioned the need to purchase litres upon litres of beer a moment ago, and in relation to that fact, I should also mention that beer sold in the Philippines comes in one litre bottles! So given that point, that means not only purchasing roughly five bottles of pale ale, it also means that you’ll need to open them for the sake of socially engendered consumption. Back to the point about using one’s teeth so to open: it IS a highly impractical and quite risky thing to do. Not only does it mean quite a lot of physical effort and an aching jaw, it also means you run the risk of BREAKING a tooth or two. At least five times!

I have watched with bated breath, accompanied with a sense of morbid fascination, people attempting that ‘ivory bottle opening’ action at lots of parties that I have attended of late. For instance: at Christmas time and New Year. These are times meant to celebrate, yet why in God’s name do people insist on not using a proper, metal bottle opener? What a fun way to end a party: going to a dentist, in pain, and getting the remains of your poor fang removed at nine o’ clock at night; assuming that you can actually find a dentist at that time of the evening. One who is also prone to ignore major religious and social events? I think not. Why not just go to a place that simply sells bottle openers? They don’t cost many pesos to buy, and they also help to prevent the need for emergency dental surgery. So now you have two immediate advantages presented to you. Another fantastic advantage of using a bottle opener is the fact that they require no great degree of physical effort to utilize; neither a great amount of coordination. Great if you’re somewhat inebriated.

So you see perhaps by now that using a bottle opener on a litre bottle of beer is a far better choice than using your dentures~! And if you don’t choose the better of the two methods, (in my humble opinion), you will end up having to live with plastic teeth: for the rest of your mortal days. I must also focus on yet another unattractive aspect of teeth used to open up your favourite alcoholic beverage. I have met one or two quite stunning looking young ladies at social events. The image of a woman in a nice dress, with facial makeup is a most pleasant one to behold. Yet when they cheerfully grab a beer bottle, and use their teeth to open it, the image of feminine allure is instantly shattered; I am afraid to say. And one should also avoid unnecessary social faux pas, if at all possible.

My advice given at the end of this story, one that is based on factual events:

Go and buy yourself a bottle opener. It doesn’t have to be a fancy looking one with a picture and magnet. Just a plain aluminium one will do the same job. Another piece of advice that I must offer: If you’re a young lady prone to risky things, you’ll look far more attractive using the above mentioned implement. Plus you will also demonstrate the fact that you are anintelligent female individual. So if single, you’ll immediately increase your chances of scoring a date.

© Geoff Dodson. Friday, 6 January 2012


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