To sleep or not to sleep – or how to save your relationship by cutting your duvet into two

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Have you ever been told that you have to learn how to sleep the correct way?

I’m not talking about somebody from sleep research who will give you an introduction how you could possibly sleep more recreatively, more relaxed and more efficiently. I’m also not talking about somebody explaining to you how the so-called powernaps work so that you can enjoy your office sleep even more.

I’m talking about that you go to bed with a person (in a platonic way), potentially snog that person, say “good night honey, sleep well, have sweet dreams”, wake up the next morning and that person tells you that you are simply not able to sleep in the correct way and therefore that same person does not see any future for the both of you and breaks up with you at 6.35 am.

Ok, let’s be real – I know that you get judged if you go to bed with somebody (not in a platonic way), but that this involves the actual sleeping (apart from snoring) as well, if and how you put the duvet between your legs or if and how you cover your ears – I honestly didn’t know until this particular morning 6.35 am.

But ok – I’m flexible and therefore I’m ready to be confronted with such a situation at 6.36 am. However, the practical approach of my loved one came as a surprise.

Ok – I admit – I wasn’t that innocent. A hot-tempered “Don’t you worry, one day you wish I would pull away the duvet, wait until I have moved out!” mumbled into my lingerie drawer could have been a trigger to his reaction. What followed was a clear and accurate inventory of our relationship (or why we shouldn’t have one):

We fight all the time anyway, he can’t make me happy, that’s why I probably also can’t see any future for the two of us – were the arguments against our relationship according to him.

Not in a huff, not angry, not sarcastic – rather like in a cooking program: take 1x duvet between woman’s legs, resulting in no sleep for man, mix it well with confused feelings of woman because of still being tired at 6.35 am sharp and let the whole dish cook to boiling point just before going to work. All served with the charm of Jamie Oliver and the brutality of Gordon Ramsey.

Somehow you react with panic if man reacts in such a prudential way. Especially if he suddenly mentions the words ‘break’ and ‘up’.

Not that I wouldn’t have thought about it myself. During the first three months of our living together, probably at least 300 times (a day, a minute – oh what – a second!). But I think – woman is right to do so – a man shouldn’t have the right to do so! Especially not in such a sophisticated and well planned way and definitely not spoken out loudly!

Even I am not that serious when thinking about breaking up (ok, running away). I think the main reason for that is simply WHAT we argue about.

Cleaning, cooking – sleeping??! I reckon there are solutions for problem 1 and 2 – either win the lottery or earn that much money that you can afford a housekeeper.

But sleeping? What’s the solution to that? Different bedrooms? My loved one insists on the English way of sleeping – namely with one big duvet for both (of course King Size – what did you think??!), otherwise it’s not romantic enough. So I don’t think that different beds or even bed rooms could be considered as a solution. A trial-run of using two different duvets (as usual in Austria for example) failed like England entering the Euro. Fundamentally. Too short, too thin, too tight, too NO! was the reaction after having tried the single duvet I bought for him. It’s now vegetating in the storage under the ceiling and is probably used as a spider canopy bed. Well, at least my archenemies do have it cosy and warm, whereas I do have to put up with pulling and pushing of the duvet which I allegedly don’t use in the intended way especially as I tend to put one leg out of it while the rest is somewhere … well … let’s not go there..

Oh yes, actually I should use the sleeping bag according to him (oh yes, in one of our first nights, still in the single flat of my loved one, he seriously put one on the floor and slept inside it as I was not sleeping-compatible. Something like that ever happened to you or is it really me?). So the drama does not end with the end of the night, but rather continues during the day with discussions, arguments, fights and tantrums or, like in this case, with breaking-up.

However, the break-up only lasted until 7.20 (am) and therefore even not an entire hour (and in the meantime I must have looked at him like Snoopy who has lost Woodstock and he just replied to that look that I should tell him if I can’t stand him no more and he would sound the retreat like a knight in a shining suit of armour just to save me from any further suffering (or who is suffering from not enough duvet at night??!!)

At the end of the day, we left the house together and on our way to the bus stop he smiled and twinkled at me as usually. He knows exactly that I can’t be mad at him for too long – and damn, he’s right.

That’s probably the way a “perfect non-perfect” relationship should be. You argue and fight until the neighbours decide to get an eviction against you, but at the end of the day everything is fine and you know that you can’t be without each other. No matter how many duvets are between you.

And tomorrow I take the secateurs and cut the British King-Size-Duve in two pieces! Problem solved…

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