After a great storm in my life, it hardly for me to have a good laugh again. All I wanna do is to cry and sit at the corner of my room and sob. Losing a husband and a best friend is such a tragic. You lost all the important things of your life, when your behalf left you behind, even without saying goodbye. That’s the hardest part of me to let him go right now, maybe sometimes of my life. I cannot just believe that we parted our ways without a goodbye. I wish I was given a chance to maybe tell him, it’s okay to go or maybe another opportunity to tell him how much I love him.
When he’s gone, everything around me seems like a puzzle to me that I need to solve so that I can find the truth. Then truth that it might just a joke. I was wishing to my last will or wishing to the deepest part of my heart, that it should just be a joke. Many nights in our apartment that I never sleep. I was just sitting on the floor hugging my legs as near as I can close to my heart. Wish with all my love that he just lying in the couch. I thought, my good thinking will give in. However, God just give me strength, to keep me in shape. That was really very hard.
Insensitive for some to tell me to move on. They don’t know how hard it is for me. They don’t know how it would be like losing your husband, and a best friend. I wonder if they like me saying those words, when they are in my shoes. But somehow, I am thankful for them to be more concerning to me. Just please don’t push me so fast. The truth is I don’t mind to grieve forever
After few months since he left, pain is still the same. My point of view is still blurry to see the path ahead. I can not still look back the memories or do the things that Mike and I used to do together. Thinking how short the time that we spent together should be the reason that I can not just get over the depression that soon. I don’t think so. Or is grieving really depends on time? I don’t think so. It is not the length of time that matters at all, not at all. It is on how much someone meant to you. That what matters most.
As the days passed by, smiles started to show in my face. And you can hear me giggling and laughing. I just had a good laugh with my friend Jacque. She such a nice lady. A person who has no pretension and never ever mind if I laugh out loud. She is one of my best gifts that God gave to me. She such a good friend with an open heart for a stranger like me. Our friendship is such a wonderful gift. I could never ask more, but His guidance for me.
A laugh with a friend is the first deepening joy in my heart that I felt, since the day I was crying and sobbing. It was great, though pain is still intense to my emotion. But that was good. That was fun.
I don’t know when to laugh again. Yet I know, it could be happening again. I never know when, but I believe that even without stopping my grieving, I can still have a good laugh with a nice people around. It is really a good medicine to a lonely heart, the laugh especially when you did it with some special person in you life.