The Infidel Yoke By Ranjan Mathews

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Jeans Culture :

Jeans Lovers swear by their jeans and even God does not know what it does to their imagined personalities. But I know, being a veritable altruist that it only makes the wearer look gauche whoever it is — Playboy, Cowboy, Tomboy, Hiker, Biker, Rockstar, Megastar, Popstar, Trukker, Trekker, Sportsperson, Slumdog or RAW Superstar. Ugh, how the bottoms cling because of the wrongly designed yoke, stitched one-on-one, without being geometrically proportionate like conventional trousers.

The Yoke:

The yoke, what is it? A brief encounter with the yoke aetiology is in order. The initial picture association of the word “yoke” brings to mind a pair of oxen with a horizontal wooden plank across their hump’s fore-part with another shaft in the middle, dividing it. These oxen are either ploughing the fields, drawing a bucket of water from some well or going around in circles cranking up an oil-mill. Sartorially speaking yokes are related to trousers, coats and tailoring craft. The yoke usually bonds the middle of the trousers’ hip portion while it bonds the coat’s shoulder portion. The yoke is therefore a tailoring necessity which bridges the assymetric and disproportionate human anatomy into style and comfort through proper cutting, stitching and fitting. Unfortunately, the jeans’ yoke, done one-on-one is disproportionate unlike the conventional yoke which is done symmetrically with equally proportioned wings.

The Wrong Fit:

Whether Levi likes it or not, Jeans may immensely suit the wrangling cowboys on some sprawling Texas ranch, out of sight of the Fashion World, ‘coz sitting on horses nobody is going to see your disproportionate crumpled hip-fit jeans sticking horridly to that anatomy called “bottoms”, “bums” or whatever. Even a nicely tailored proportionate yoke has to depend on the ingenuity of the wearer to ensure that trousers don’t stick to arse-holes, crotches etc. However, even the best jeans fail this test and crumple and wedge in there. Blame it on the wrongly designed infidel yoke! In school we used to call any kind of dress sticking in there in weird give-away shapes as “caterpillars!”

Caterpillars:

So long there is nothing called seamless stitching one has to depend on how the tailor is going to customize your God-given shape into his skilled fitments expertise of cut’n’stitch. Ahem, so you want to look fashionable in them creepy, crawly caterpillar jeans? so be it! Jeans or no jeans, conventional yoke or infidel yoke, smart-fitting trousers need firm and full hips, better flat than rounded, to carry them off. Otherwise we can all adapt the Rafael Nadal method of pinching out the stuck material before every serve! Let caterpillars wiggle on cabbages not on men’s and women’s intimate comfort zones. Ha-ha! it is far better to have scissor-smart tailors so that you can wiggle your hips and not those caterpillars, ugh!

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