How To Survive The SNAIL Attack

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Okay, where do i begin, lets see, ah, the beginning……

It all started about 2 years ago, i was sitting outside enjoying the sunshine, well its hard to do it inside, reading my favourite pop up book, i just love those poppy up bits, when i happened to look over to my flower bed, which is a strange thing to call it, as there is no mattress in sight, and what you may ask did i behold……………..(have you asked yet, we may be a while if you dont) four of my favourite plants, gone, nay slaughtered, nay devoured, you get the picture.

What the hell says I, well you would wouldn’t you, leaping out of my chair with the finesse of a rheumatoid rhino, i bounded over, but, i was caught unaware by a strategically placed lawnmower, on the lawn, which i could not vault in time, and was forciblly hurled into the air, after a few professional twists and turns, i landed inches away from an upturned rake. Now i know what you are thinking, this guys garden is a mess, a health and safety nightmare, this guy is just a nut, all conclusions would not be far from the truth, but the reality is much scarier. SNAILS.

Plants were eaten, bait was initiated, traps were set, no human could have gone to such trouble, they would have just lamped me with the mower, this is thinking from an intelligent, precise, creature.

After the initial shock and gravity of my situation, well its not everyday, you nearly get whacked by snails, the hunt was on. Where are they? says I, well not much point saying Where are you?, your reading this (surprisingly), so, armed to the teeth, with my maglite, a house brick and a packet of bonbons, just love those bonbons, off i set, to find the lair of those armoured, slimy, teethy assasins. (gulp) Its like Alien, but without the acid.

Just for your info, these wee buggers have 2000 teeth at least, whos scared now!!

I searched everywhere, in front of the tv, down the pub, at the cinema, in a strip club, twice, but they were no where. Cunning devils, where the hell were they? My last chance, i checked behind a small wall in my garden, it just so happens i dropped a bonbon down there earlier, and remembered about it, and lo and behold, there they were, i stifled a scream, i froze in terror, i was nearly violently sick with shock, they had slimed my bonbon, evil incarnates. Enough was enough!!!

Bag in hand, i creeped back up to there lair, catching them by surprise, which is actually hard to do, as they have no real facial expressions to talk of, i started ripping them off my wall, obviously full protection was used at all times, goggles, boiler suit, steel capped boots and rubber gloves, which weren’t really required, i just like them.

Now, i must have loaded nearly 40 snails into that bag, give or take a ten, i then jumped into my car and drove a good 10 – 15 miles, i jumped out, dropped the bag, oh yes, i stopped the car first, (just in case you wondered) and i stood over the bag with my house brick in hand, ready to pulverise these beasts, but something happened, i couldn’t do it, did they use some kind of telepathy, mind control, not sure, just couldn’t drop that brick.

So, what did i do? yep i fled the scene, drove home as fast as i could, within the speed limits of course, and i tried to put the whole horror behind me and get on with my life. So what has changed? Why am i telling you all this?

Well like i said, this was all 2 years ago, but this morning, i checked that same wall, and THEY WERE BACK. They may be slow, but let me tell you, they are relentless, so, the next time you have an accident in your garden, just check that WALL!!!!!!!!!!!

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