How to Hide an Illegitimate Child from the One You Love
So…the condom broke and BAM! Nine months later, junior is born. Problem is, you already have a wife. You want to do the right thing and act like it isn’t yours but you don’t want a vase thrown at your head for your trouble. What can a man who loves just a little too much do? Look no further gentlemen! I’ve put together the ultimate “How-to” list so you can hide that illegitimate son or daughter from the one you love. Avoiding responsibility just got a little easier.
Deny, deny, lie your ass off.
The key to get away with anything you’ve done wrong is to act like you haven’t done anything wrong. No matter what evidence comes forward; DNA, pictures, video…deny it all. “It wasn’t me” is a good way to start. Politely decline any invitations for a lie detector tests.
Become a shadow of yourself.
If you can’t bring yourself to lie outright then quite frankly you need more practice. A good liar isn’t born, he’s made. You will have to become the lie. Living 24/7 with a lie makes it easier to remember your lies. If you manage to pull off the double life, you can have double the fun!
Question the probability of the facts.
Sometimes, you have to turn the tables on your pesky accusers. How dare they question your obvious lies? A good offense is the best defense…or is it the other way around? How would I know? I’m just a chick. Let’s move on.
Don’t answer any calls from the “Maury Povich” show.
This one should be obvious to even the dumbest red-necked trailer denizen. I know you would love a free trip to New York City and a stay in a sub-fancy hotel. Don’t be fooled! It’s a trap, run!
Pretend she’s your cousin.
The other mother may get it in her head that she needs to be in your life (she claims it’s for the baby but you know better). If this occurs, you might want to lay the groundwork for a long lost cousin cover story. Any resemblance to her child would be chalked up to familial ties (which in this case is true).
Act real dumb.
If you were dumb enough to get into this situation, this plan’s for you. Acting like you got hit to many times with a hammer will confound your opponents. Also, if you can manage to drool and stare off on cue your adversary will just get disgusted and just give up.
Perhaps dumb isn’t your style. In that case, crazy the way to go. Violent crazy has its drawbacks (arrest and possible prison time) but random crazy will have you by yourself in no time. A good trick? Just yell random things. For example: During a family dinner suddenly shout, “I got four nipples!”
If you are one of those guys who has an angelic look that’s gotten you out of trouble before, use this awesome force now. Get your best sad dog-eyed look on, hold a hat in your hand and squeeze out at least one tear. Your accuser will instantly turn on whoever would dare spread such obvious falsehoods about you.
Through her off the scent.
Misdirection is a weapon used by many a magician and if those douches can do it, so can you. Twist facts, pay off witnesses, focus on other issues…all works wonders on your hapless (and hopefully witless) victim. However, if you are unlucky enough to have a woman who has at least complete sixth grade, you may be out of luck with this option.
Go out for a pack of cigarettes.
If all else fails (and it probably will), you can always go the route your pops took. Go out and don’t come back. Standing up and taking responsibilities for your actions are something a…MAN would do. Not you; you’re a rolling stone…a free spirit. Can’t nothing hold you down, right?