it’s amazing how depression can so twist your mind. i wrote this during my depression.
There are many who will disagree, and some who won’t and can’t understand, but i say this now to lay it out in the beginning: there are some things worse than death. For those of you who will never, or can never understand, i apologize but there are no words to put to that statement to even begin to explain, it is something that has to be experienced to understand. For those of you who do understand, i grieve with you in my heart
Depression, an illness that is passed off so lightly by so many who do not understand. There is so much more to depression than most will ever understand in their life time. Depression not only corrupts the essence of who you are, but it can also kill you without dieing. How can that be? That doesn’t make sense! many will question and say. It kills you where no one will ever notice, it drains the life away until you become a living shell of who you used to be. Your thoughts are no longer what they used to be, you no longer see what you used to see.
Many will never understand the immense pain that is felt inside, a pain so deep and so long lasting that death becomes more preferable. The only thing left to do is to kill the shell of who you used to be. When it lasts for such a long period of time, you are no longer who you used to be. When the depression is so severe, that you are forced to create an alternate personality so that no one can see the immense pain inside, there is no hope of reclaiming who you used to be. Because of the effects the illness has on others, that’s when you truly realize how lonely your life is to become.
A more recent statement that i have used for those that try to keep hope alive within me is this: It is no different that a doctor dealing with a trauma patient, some they are able to save, and some, simply too much time has passed to be able to save them. So is it in my case.
There is nothing here for me. There is no reason for me to live. Yes i understand i would cause some people some pain by taking my life, but it is unfair for them to ask me to continue with this pain to spare them theirs. I know the place my depression is taking me back to and it is not a place i can bear to be again, however, i know it is necessary before i can once again attempt to take my own life. There is no more pain and suffering that can be done to my soul, for it has been stripped and beaten, and died long ago.
There is no one that can be with me and not be affected in some way, shape, or form by my depression. I have seen friends and loved ones cast me aside, because the effects on them were too great. I go on, wishing and hoping there will be someone outside of family who will be able to withstand my depression, but deep down inside, i know that is not a reality, only a dream. I hurt those around me and i do not want to subject anyone to that. I entered this world alone, and i will depart alone.
I cannot truly be loved, because i present a fake personality to hide what’s inside, and it is that personality that others fall in love with, not me. How can someone love something that died a long time ago.
I was fortunate to meet someone who truly stole my heart. She gave me a glimpse into who i used to be and made me feel things long since forgotten, Things i never thought i would feel again. As my depression worsened, i could see the effects already, and at that point it was just the beginning, as the saying goes “The calm before the storm.” I knew that the effects on her would only get worse, and i could not bear to see that happen, so i let her go. I never thought i would ever feel my heart break again, but that day, it shattered, and that day, and for days afterwords, i once again felt tears, and truly understood just how lonely my life would be. And when i take my last breath, i will only see her eyes and her smile, and i will only her her laughter, and for that, i will smile.
I will continue to walk this lonely path until the day comes, that i have enough strength to end it. I can already feel it getting closer. The suicidal thoughts have matured in a way that there is little chance of failure when the time comes.
The pain i feel inside makes me sick. I cannot sleep without medication, and it takes all the energy i have to get up and leave my home. Nobody see’s me, i am a shadow long since forgotten and ignored. No one takes notice of me unless i step forward. This is only a small glimpse of my world. There is so much that i don’t know how to put words to. I am lost, i am forgotten, i am unnoticed, i am nothing.