Fisher Capital Management World News: UK Police Claim to Have Arrested Lulzsec Member ‘topiary’

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By, Published: July 27

A 19-year old man has been arrested in the Shetland Islands, accused of being LulzSec spokesperson, “Topiary”. If found guilty, one of two things will happen next…

The Internet Ending:

“Topiary” — who is revealed to be a dark, brooding, leather-clad circa 1995 Jonny Lee Miller — avoids jail by making a side-deal with the CIA to help them take down a rogue hacker who is threatening to sell Pentagon secrets to the Iranians. All goes well until we learn that “Topiary”‘s CIA contact is in fact a double agent, working for the North Koreans. Now chased by three governments, “Topiary” has to recover the Pentagon secrets, take down both rogue agents and prevent world war three. The movie ends with “Topiary”‘s record wiped, and our hero — who it turns out was the only honest man in a world of liars — sails into the sunset with Olivia Wilde, a lifetime of highly paid corporate consultancy gigs ahead of him. (Moral: We are Anonymous. We are Legion. We do not forgive. We get to have sex with the chick from Tron: Legacy.)

The Real World Ending:

Topiary — who is revealed to be exactly as you imagine him to be — is extradited to the US and spends the next decade in an Arizona prison. (Moral: We are The Man. Who do you think owns the company that makes those Guy Fawkes masks?)

It is, of course, far too early to speculate on which of those endings will transpire. Could totally be the first one.

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