My Favourite Internet Jokes

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I’m a complete technical disaster, but I love receiving email jokes, and I can even forward them without crashing the computer! These are my favourites:

Latest scores from the African Nation’s Cup: Nigeria, 8 Ethiopia didn’t.

Do you know what would have happened if it had been 3 wise Women who went to see Baby Jesus? They’d have asked directions and arrived in time to help deliver the baby. Then they’d have cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts and there would have been peace on earth as well.

A little guy is sitting in a bar when a thug comes up, whacks him in the face and says, ‘That’s Kung Fu from Japan.’ A little later, he hits him again and says, ‘That’s Karate from Korea.’ The little guy gets up and leaves, only to return and knock the thug out cold. ‘He turns to the bartender and says, ‘When he comes around, tell him that was a shovel from B & Q.’

Two cowboys are talking about making love, and one says, ‘I like the Rodeo Position best.’ ‘What’s that?’ asks the second cowboy. ‘Well, you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount from behind, cup her breasts and say, “These are nearly as big as your sister’s!” Then you have to hold on for 10 seconds.’

A woman goes to buy a parrot. There are 3 to choose from, at 100, 200 and 10. She asks why the third parrot is so cheap, and the shopkeeper says he used to live in a brothel, and he can be a bit embarrassing. The woman says she doesn’t mind, and takes him home. The parrot says, ‘* me, a new whorehouse!’ The woman thinks it’s hilarious. Then her daughter visits, and the parrot says, ‘* me, two new whores have come to work here!’ They both laugh at this. Then the man of the house comes home and the parrot shouts, ‘* me, Pete, haven’t seen you in weeks!’

A boy asks his mother why he is black and she is white. She says, ‘Don’t even go there! When I think back to that party, it’s just lucky you don’t bark.’

An Irishman, an Australian and a Liverpudlian are in a bar when they notice Jesus sitting in a corner. They each send Him a pint, which He drinks quietly. When He leaves, He thanks the Irishman for the Guinness and shakes his hand. ‘Bejabers,’ says Paddy, ‘Me Arthritis is cured!’ Jesus then thanks the Australian for the Fosters and shakes his hand. ‘Strewth!’ says Bruce, ‘My bad back is better.’ Jesus approches the Liverpudlian, who runs off shouting, ‘Clear off! Don’t touch me! I’m on Disability Benefit!’

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still. Then suddenly a little bird perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to melt away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun. It seemed his very chirping brought out the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, got slowly out of bed, then gently shut the window and crushed his flaming head. I don’t do mornings.

Two old ladies sat in the bingo hall. Ethel asks Doris, ‘Did you come on the bus?’ Doris replies, ‘Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack!’

A boy kills a butterfly, and his dad says, ‘No butter for 2 weeks.’ Then he kills a honey bee and dad says, ‘Ok, no honey for two weeks. Next day, his mother steps on a cockroach and the boy says, ‘Are you going to tell her dad, or shall I?’

When Pavarotti died and went to Heaven, he gave St Peter a note from the Pope. It read: ‘Here’s that Tenor I owe you!’

The first thing back-from-the-dead canoeist John Darwin told Police when he returned after 5 years was that he was never going on holiday with the McCann’s again.

It seems to me that a good email joke has to be topical, irreverent, vulgar, sexist or politically incorrect as well as funny. The ultimate EM Joke will combine all of those elements. These are only a few of my favourites. The others are either too rude or too profane to send over cyberspace, but if you should bump into me sometime soon, I’ll let you have a peek at my Inbox. Now, isn’t that the best offer you’ve had all day?

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