1. Telling me your address is just the first step. Making sure the number is on your house or mailbox is kind of important too.
2. We have some fantastic customers and some who are just terrible. But I’ll deliver to them all—this is what I do.
3. Many delivery drivers are teenage boys, and most parents don’t like their teenage boys driving around at night in downpours or blizzards. Yet these same people have no qualms about having other teenage kids deliver their pizza in these conditions.
4. There are always “special customers,” like the little old lady who wants to pay her bill with a $5 check. I’ll take it because none of us want to be mean to a grandmother. But if she hasn’t ordered from us before, I won’t take it.
5. We act like we really want to have a conversation with you at your door, but we don’t, unless we know you. Basically, we just want to get the delivery over with.
6. I can reel off the addresses of all the customers who don’t tip. (Yes, we remember!) I also know all the good tippers and will treat them and their food accordingly.
7. I will try to be as nice to you as possible. But if you complain that I’m late, or if you have a problem with your order, I won’t be so nice.
8. The majority of our employees work 12-14 hours a day. At the end of the day, we just want to go home. So please don’t call for a delivery at closing time and then complain that we can’t accommodate you.
9. At our shop, we use our own cars to deliver pizza. Last week one of our guys smashed his car into a pole on an icy road. Now he’s using a rental car.
10. I’m one of the easiest people to get along with. But if you’re rude to me, I have no problem going toe-to-toe with you.
11. Don’t jump in the shower right after you order pizza and then not the answer the door. I can’t wait much longer than a few minutes.
12. If you live across the street, please don’t call for a delivery. Get off your rear end and pick up the pizza yourself.
13. I probably break a speeding law once a day.
14. After I leave this job, I’m sure I won’t be able to eat pizza for at least a year.
15. The majority of customers who stand there chatting about the weather are just trying to make up for not giving us tips.
16. You ordered the pizza. You know how much it costs. Please have your money (and tip) ready when you answer the door.
17. I don’t have the authority to give you a discount. Really, I don’t. I’m just the delivery guy.