What Anorexia is to me.

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You make me feel successful,
you give me something to aim for
when i’m acheiving starvation,
there no feeling better.
It’s like a warmth of no other,
a love like i’ve never felt.
Pushing myself to a limit,
that i know is unacceptable.
A dirty passionate secret that is mine and no one elses.
But what is it you do to me,
Why do I always turn to you?
I need to find out,
So I can start anew.

It’s like a happiness
an external peace from the internal torrent.
A feeling that no matter what, the control is in my hands.

When I’m restricting,
I’m awash with self success
a success I can manage
and is in my control
No external force,
can change the way it goes.
Its me and only me who affects the outcome.

But I’m not answering the question,
What am I hooked on?
What am I striving to all the time?

I know it sounds selfish, dirty and wrong
But the drive of deceit keeps me going along.
There’s something in the hunger.
keeping me company when I’m alone.
A lonely voice that occupies the lonely hours.

The feeling of succeeding,
the drained feeling that it gives
even on a lazy day
I’m tired, but satisfied.

No matter if I fail,
I still have the success of hunger.
the external forces that affect life
do not affect my mind.

There’s a drive for success,
a success i can control.
No matter what happens
the restriction is my personal goal
success and failure is down to me.
A pushing myself, a constant drive,
A dirty secret for me to connive.
A warmth and fuzzy feeling
to winde away the lonely hours
a buzz, a high, an addiction
unaffected by any external powers.

Something more to occupy my mind
during the monotony of life
like no matter what trouble and strive
I need numbers and calories
pre-occupation from anything I can find.

It gives me a numbness too
numb to everything that goes on
A bling ignorance to those things that really shouldn’t affect me.
They shouldn’t,
but without anorexia they do.
It gives me an ability to think realistically to a point.

Obviously all of the above is irrational,
but to me its natural.
Its how I am, its who i am, its what I am.

That’s an important point.
one that is hard to explain.
for years and years I have accepted
accepted that I am anorexic.
Its how I grew up,
Its what I became,
just like my name.
Its hard now to think
that I am not anorexic
it feels like that’s a life that’s fake.

Its so complex
its just a mix
of complete unrealistic feelings
that in my head are true

I dont know how to change it.
There is no substitute.

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