Annoying Inventions We Can Do Without

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Everyone has their favorite annoyance but there seems to be a pattern, a consensus, here so why don’t we roll up our sleeves, get out the cattle prods and gather these numbskulls who invented these irritations and return the favor? There’s nothing wrong with a little revenge; it’s an American tradition we started back in 1776. Americans felt good about the Revolution then and if you take a good look inside you’ll see you still feel good about it now. There’s a certain satisfaction that only revenge can provide. You feel downright proud when the home team clobbers the visiting team, right? Imagine the same feeling but 100 times stronger. It’s your God-given American right. Use it.   

Can a speed bump do our thinking for us? Remind me, I forget, what brilliance the speed bump bestows upon us? Was this invented to sell more ball joints, tires, brakes, and seat springs? I propose we offer a bounty to find and capture Joe Speed Bump who invented this nuisance. What’s he working on now, a bigger mosquito? I’m sure he’s a millionaire living the good life on his private island or somewhere in California. Wouldn’t it be great if he were forced to drive cross country on his own private road with a nice healthy speed bump every 10 feet? I picture him in a 1964 Chevy Impala with heavy duty springs and worn out shocks so he’d look like something you’d see at the rodeo. Giddy-up!.

Does junk mail make our lives easier or more difficult? There’s a special place reserved in hell for the madman who thought up this scheme. He single-handedly depleted the Sahara Forest, clogged our mailboxes, sent countless mail carriers into the hernia ward, filled the landfills, and caused every American to struggle with this unwanted, unnecessary, quicksand. Once the landfills are full we’ll have no choice but to start filling the Grand Canyon and Americans don’t want this. Wouldn’t it be nice if starting today you’d only receive mail? Only important stuff like birthday cards, love letters, tax refunds and postcards would arrive promptly at 9am. Meanwhile, overflowing dump trucks would fill the backyards and swimming pools of the owners of Wall Mart, Home Depot, Macy’s, Target, and Lowe’s with millions of tons of junk mail. We could watch this on the eleven o’clock news at night and rest well.

Do television commercials provide useful information or are they so annoying you want to scream? Television commercials are brain-washing psychological tortures designed to make consumers feel as if they cannot live without the next idiotic convenience coming down the pike. Whether slicing vegetables, stopping drafts from under doors, removing stains from teeth or shirts, or car insurance companies slinging mud at each other, science has proven these things will make you go insane. Commercials turn people into zombies by inflicting the same insane scenario over and over turning the brain into a custard-like substance. I’d like to see the advertising geniuses behind these insipid, repetitive, mindless forays into boredom tied to a chair in front of a TV with the same four commercials running continuously with the volume turned up. Every time they’d close their eyes they’d get jazzed with 120 volts of electricity in their belly-button. This is a great country- we could make this happen.

Are Know-it-alls as valuable as the air they use or are have they worn out their welcome? Armchair generals know everything except how to be human. Further, those who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do, wouldn’t you agree? I’d like to pull a lever, open a trap-door and send these self-centered babbling fools down the abyss never to return. Maybe they’d finally shut up as they plummet at terminal velocity. They believe they are perfect and the rest of the human race needs another 20 thousand years to catch up, when in reality they’re just people with inflated egos and deflated intelligence. They believe there’s a limit to knowledge and no limit to their intelligence indicating they have things quite backwards. The only thing infinite about know-it-alls is their stupidity. They think of themselves as leaders when in fact, they’re the bottom of the food chain somewhere between the garden slug and the red ant. I knew there was a purpose for Rubick’s Cube and I think I just found it.

I think Albert Einstein summed up things perfectly when he said “A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem.”



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