Gay Couple Adoption Choices
Choosing and being chosen
Surrogacy creates a unique relationship between the intended parents and the surrogate. It’s not a relationship that should be entered into lightly, especially if you’re not using an agency and plan to have extended and direct contact with the woman who will carry your child.
Consider that a prospective surrogate who already has her own children is less likely to back out. You’ll also want to choose someone you feel comfortable with and can converse with easily. After all, you’ll be having a fairly deep relationship for nine or more months, which is likely to include personal questions and doctor’s visits, along with emotional moments. It’s essential that you like each other.
Experienced surrogates cost more — $25,000 to $35,000 — than going with an inexperienced surrogate, who will likely charge $10,000 to $20,000. Think through the pros and cons of price versus experience in your particular situation before making a decision.
Another important point to remember — since a third party is involved, this isn’t just about you and your choices anymore. Potential surrogates will be sizing you up while you’re looking at them. Some may be comfortable working with same-sex couples, and some might not. Some might want a close relationship with intended parents, kind of like an extended family member, while others don’t feel as strongly about that kind of closeness. Most will seek couples who seem very much in love and able to provide for the child. Money can also be a motivating factor.
Since the laws don’t clearly define what your relationship with your surrogate will be, many questions are left up to you. It’s important to make many of your decisions official, through written contracts, at the outset. Spell out money matters in the contract, from compensation for the act itself, to incidentals, like travel, childcare, lodging and even clothing. Each side needs a lawyer.
Be sensitive to the feelings of your surrogate. She’s a person, too, just like you. If she has trouble getting pregnant, she might feel worried, disappointed and even embarrassed, just like you might. Conversely, when she does get pregnant, she’ll feel joys just like you will. She’s likely to feel intense happiness that she’s been able to help you accomplish something you couldn’t on your own.
Throughout the process, there are many emotional pitfalls and possible problems that can arise, but there’s also potential for much happiness and success. Learn more about how to prepare for and navigate the journey of surrogacy in “Getting to Baby.”