Why You Should Never Have Kids

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So, you are thinking you are ready for that great challenge that has everyone so on end and in deep and continuous discussions about, procreation. Some people whine on about how hard it is, how painful, how time consuming. Others gloat annoyingly about how great their kids are, or worse, how great a mom or dad they are personally. (Ugh?)

Then there are the singletons or couples like you, some of who love to give advice to parents on how to raise or discipline their kids (You know, if you just ignored him for ten minutes he would go right to sleep, I bet..) Were you just nodding your head? Have you said that before? Shame! Its not about if the kid will fall asleep (and how would you know she hasn’t already tried that a dozen times), but about how the mom feels trying to ignore her crying kid for ten minutes. Why don’t you give it a try and see how good you are at it when its your kid?

Actually don’t, this article is about why you shouldn’t, and I need to remember that. Where was I? Oh yes, you are a singleton or one of a couple. No children as of yet, and thinking about changing that. I’m here to tell you, as soon as you pop that kid out, here are some things you can count on happening:

1. You will never pour a fresh cup of coffee and take a delicious first sip again. It will always have to be reheated, sometimes twice, before you get a sip in. Babies wait for it, and time their diaper filling to coincide with your coffee cup filling. Later in life, they will simply pull all the books off the bookshelves as soon as you head for the coffeepot.

2. You will never sleep through the night again. This starts as soon as you concieve and you discover why people make those “pregnant lady needing to pee” jokes. After delivery, if your baby happens to sleep through the night, as he or she will on occasion, you will get up to check if they are ok since they are being so quiet in there.

3. You will start to make poo jokes and laugh at farting again like you used to in 4th grade. Your cool factor dimishes extraordinarily as a result.

4. You will spend more money on someone else’stushy than you ever will get to on your own, even if you have a particularily bad mid life crisis.

5. Speaking of which, you will never leave any store without “one thing” that was “on sale and super cheap”, then go home and put it in the closet with the last five $10 jumpers that baby did not need and might outgrow before you manage to get her into it.

6. You may discover you like all this too much, and make  the whole extraordinary mistake again. Odds are you will do this multiple times. Heck knows I did.

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