Are we Acting Out of Love or Out of Fear?

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I hate the insurance company.  The only reason I even pay for insurance is because it is mandated by the State.  When I do not have insurance, the State of Virginia sends me these passive aggressive letters talking about the fact that the insurance company has told them that I do not have insurance.  Oh and by the way, pay your property taxes, and if you do not plan on getting insurance kindly return the license plates to your nearest DMV.

That is what happens when I do not have insurance.  I also get into automobile accidents when I do not have insurance, which is another reason why I have insurance because I do not want to deal with the DMV after an accident without insurance.  The last time that happened the police were not called to the scene, which I feared more than the damage that was caused to the vehicle.  Sure the accident was her fault, sure there was a minimum amount of damage that was done to my rear end but did you see the damage to her car?  It was not a pretty sight at all.

So I get insurance and a rock falls off of a truck while I am on the highway and smacks my windshield.  Now I have this fracture that is slowly making its way across the windshield.  Of course the insurance company does not pay for it because I did not have enough coverage.  So I changed my coverage so that they would pay for any damages over $50, and of course the date changes and I end up not paying my insurance again.  Now I am paying $50 more for coverage I will never use.

So I am driving around and I see 5 people getting pulled over, like every mile up the highway and I said that I am not going down for that and I get insurance.  Of course they tell me that I owe an extra $50 for coverage they provided up to this date.  I do not want to have the money automatically pulled out of my account, so I pay an additional $70 upfront.  Now I have paid $100 more than I was expecting to pay to reinstate the policy.

Yet again I will end up paying for the repairs of everyone else in America, and the insurance policy will not pay for any repairs that occur to my own vehicle.  It almost makes me want to go out and get in a wreck just so that I can actually enjoy the insurance policy that I have.  Then it dawned on me that 90% of my life is spent in fear of the worst that can happen.

I pay all of these bills and if I am lucky I get to walk around with a few hundred dollars.  Two hundred is going in the gas tank and I may spend $50 on groceries.  I pay my tithes every other paycheck, because I fear having my services removed and sitting in the dark and having to take cold showers.  I pay my tithes every other paycheck, because I fear God, and it is better than never having paid your tithes at all.  I tried that route, everything got cut off and I sat in an empty apartment staring at the ceiling with nothing to eat, taking public transportation.  It was not a very good experience at all.

I try to be the best employee that I can be, which never seems like it is good enough, but I do try.  I fear being unemployed, losing the apartment and being homeless, because that means that I will have to pack up my bags and move back to Ohio.  Virginia doesn’t care for the people that are working that do have money, so what do I look like repeating the episode I had in Ohio one long summer.  Plus the only real advantage of being in Virginia is that it is close to the Northeast, and not that far from the Southeast.  The State tries to offer something, an urban environment and a safe environment but to be completely honest public transportation sucks, nothing is ever free.  It often feels like a police state, Marshall Law there are always cops everywhere and I get nervous for no particular reason.  I am not used to seeing cops where I’m from;  you can call the cops if you want to, but they are not coming anytime soon, so you may as well say your prayers or attempt to handle that situation on your own.

Forget about getting pulled over for a speeding citation; there are not enough cops to go around for such trivial matters.  If anything you were either stupid to be where you were at when it went down, or were looking for trouble and should just be thankful that you got out of there alive.  No one else ever goes there, so what were you doing there?  Don’t you see the speed bumps on the road that should tell you what type of neighborhood this is.  Yes that is right speed bumps, to keep the ignorant from thinking they can hit a small child and keep going and run out of the neighborhood, or drive by and shoot someone and get out of dodge before the authorities can catch up with them.  Go inside of a bank and it is a fortress and you can see the teller behind two inches of plastic and they still get robbed, one every week and that is on a slow week.  Everywhere you go, two inches of glass, security guards, bars over windows, a very depressing sight and no way to live.  If you want a safe environment you can always go out to the suburbs, or move downtown.  You are pretty much on your own on a lot of issues, and left up to your own devices.  Not so in Virginia, there is always something to do always something to be paid some fee or tax or some other quirk that needs to be addressed.  It never ends.  Yet everyone wants to move here and take advantage of some government job, or some job that only exists because it is a service those people with government jobs can afford; it all points back to the federal government at some point.  I’m sure taxpayers in other States hate us; well if you can’t beat them join them, which a lot of people have done.

I have to ask myself if I am ever doing anything that I actually want to do in my life.  Then again I have to ask myself if I fear wanting anything in life or fear actually doing something for me.  People talk about love, but are they really talking about fear?  Are the consequences to life keeping us all in line or do we want to be in line?  People talk about sheeple and how jaded, destitute, and perverse people have become. When you think about the fear that exists in this country, it is hard to blame them.  Too often your own selfish pleasure is the only thing that you have control of in this life, until God takes that away from you, which he will when you come into the plan that he has for your life; you have to learn the right way to do things, decent, and in order, you find pleasure through inclusion, not in taking away from someone else.  But yes, people want to be left to their own devices, because they feel that those devices are all that they have in this world.

I am not sure where that mentality comes from.  It may have existed back in the seventies and eighties I am not sure.  It seems like people of the eighties just wanted to have a good time but were often balanced and had everything in perspective.  The nineties created a sick consumer culture and started introducing the idea that you could be less than human, insignificant, nonexistent, if you did not buy this or that.  I bought into a lot of that rhetoric myself.  But the last decade seemed to have ushered in this urgency to chase pleasure.  It feels like you should get it now while it lasts, because you do not know about tomorrow.  I tried everything I had the nerve to get into; intellectualism, clothing, pills, and now I am trying God.  I want to be free but I do not know how to be free.  When you are bound, it feels as though everyone else is free.  They look at you and point at you, as though you are in a museum, a relic of what it meant to be bound, an old throwaway from the modern age.  You stare out at them from behind the glass.  Your eyes move but you cannot speak and you have lost all physical capabilities.  I can hear you talking about me, I can read your thoughts, I can look into your mind.  No, I cannot do those things at all.  But do not close the doors and turn the lights off in the museum, because I am lonely.  Keep me company, even though you could be off doing something else …


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