I don’t have facebook or Twitter. I mention that because I was at a book signing and a woman came up to me and said ” You’re not Stella Night!” I had to look at the little laminated tag the library had given me. I had my name on it. “Aren’t I?” I said with a well practiced look of puzzlement. ” Oh, you are so Stella Night!” She exclaimed, slapping me hard on the arm. I shrugged, ” in that case I must be.” Trying to excuse myself. ” Can I friend you? Oh please!” Friend is a verb? Oh I get it, I thought. Friend/unfriend, That must be facebook. ” I don’t have facebook.” I said. ” You don’t? You poor thing! How in the world do you cope?” With a look of sympathy one would normally reserve for for the recently bereaved she muttered something in a hushed tone about a tweet feed. ” I don’t tweet,” I said sweetly. ” I don’t have Twitter either.”
She moved away to the queue by the table with a pile of pristine books waiting to be defaced. Apparently, it’s a serious disadvantage for a writer not to have a twitter or facebook account. Everyone today has to ‘Sonet’, which I am informed means to social network.
It was Vera that put me up to it, the purpose of this article, whilst I was telling her about the woman in the library. Vera has recently taken me under her wing, and is editing my new novel using her article spinning software. I can’t believe I’m letting her do it! So, “what,” you ask ” did she put you up to?”
I’m supposed to write a How to article. ” How to write a #1 ranking article” I don’t suppose it’s that hard to write a number one ranking article, but the brief is to write it about nothing at all, and with no friends on facebook and non on twitter you’d think there was going to have a high degree of difficulty. Not really.
The first thing to remember is that #1. Not number one, not No 1 or any variants thereof. It has to be #1. You might ask why but I’d have to tell you the truth which would be to zoom in on the # symbol, and make it big enough on the screen to play noughts and crosses.
OK the first thing to remember is that you want the search engines to get your right up there in the top 10. You need keywords. And the secret is to use those keywords as close together and as early on in your article as you possibly can. If you can do it in the first two sentences. Now, I’ve got a bottle of Moet on this. I’ve got no friends on facebook, I’ve got no one I can tweet and the rules say that I’m not allowed to bulk e-mail. So here we go Justin Bieber, love child, Marilyn Monroe, gay, dies, pregnant, Twitter.
That should about do it. It might take a day or two, maybe even as much as a week but I reckon I’m going to get the bottle of Moet. Don’t you?