Between a Rock And a Hard Head.

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It had been nearly six months since I started my new job and yet, nothing felt different. I still wore the same clothes, shopped at the same retail stores, ordered from the same catalogs, ate at the same restaurants, and dwelled on the same failed relationship. It had been the same old familiar routine I practiced practically everyday. I was stuck in a personality rut. But, who hasn’t been on auto pilot? There comes a point where everything is rehearsed, practiced, organized, planned, and pre-ordained. There comes a point where every outcome is expected, every disappointment is “ok”, and before we know it, everything suddenly becomes acceptable.

At some point or another, we all associate our lives to some kind of story, if you will. There is a beginning, a middle, and eventually, an end. We correlate the events that take place in our lives with the next scene to take place, every depression with the thought “Life goes on” a.k.a. “This is not how the movie ends”. We take those gut feelings we get, and hidden messages or hints to be our “cues”. “If a guy says ___, it really means ___.” “If you enjoy ___, then you are this type of person.” “You said ___, so they will say ___.” Everything is depicted to seem so black and white, so yes and no, so this and not that. But, by the simple act of expectance, are we setting ourselves up for failure? 

In a romantic comedy, the girl or guy has just been through a horrible break-up, lost their job, or their lives simply are not that interesting to begin with. But lo and behold, somewhere in the midst of the madness, someone comes along (and in the most obscure way too). There’s the notion already, that “true love is out there…somewhere, you just have to wait”. The someone who comes along always has certain traits and attributes. Sure, theres the unexpectant best friend, the completely gorgeous stranger, the new guy/girl at work, and so and and so forth (Notion #2: “Love is blind”), but they are all essentially the same person. The heros and heroines, the saviors and knights in shining armor, they fix everything and they make everything better, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “save me”. Tragic, then adventurous, then romantic, and of course comedic throughout. But in the words of David After Dentist, “Is this real life?” How many of us wander around waiting to be saved, only to be left waiting out in the cold. Then the infamous feeling of disappointmet overcomes and imposes itself like a virus. Our disappointment manifests into our every thoughts and actions, sucking out any and all possibilities that pass us by. We place ourselves in between a rock and a hard head, tormenting ourselves into thinking life is supposed to be a certain way, then tormenting ourselves with the chagrin that is left behind. The chagrin that is left after we’ve discovered our lives are not fairytales, that they never were.

They say, that when you grow up, you’re supposed to attend college, graduate, get a job, and raise a family. Throughout your life they tell you to exercise, eat right, obey the law, and not cause havoc. When you are a child, they tell you to be careful, to walk before you run, to stay away from this and stay close to that. It is the effervescent do’s and don’ts of life being instilled upon you before you can even speak. The rights and wrongs being fed to you throughout your entire life. What is socially acceptable and what is not is made clear from an early age. We are told that that is the way life is supposed to be. Read that one more time: The way life is supposed to be. 

Contrary to popular belief, the world does not run on love, and neither does it run on Dunkin’ Donuts. It runs on standards, status, impressions, lists of accomplishments, statistics, victories, lies, lies becoming better lies, badges, connections, medals of honor and so on and so forth, you get the idea. These man made rules, boundaries, and limits are the so-called succes secrets. The imperative desire or need to climb the social ladder and be the best at our careers turns life into a competition. It turns it into a certain type of race that we all desperately want to win. We as humans, have single-handedly handed down our potential and devoted our lives to this race. We all want our lives to be the way life is supposed to be (theres that phrase again), and for no particular reason. 

My personality rut was unexplainable to most and practically invisible to the rest. I woke up every single day at the same time, and the auto pilot began: coffee(to wake me up), morning news(to inform me), an hour at the gym(to keep me healthy), and then I went to work. I ate at the same restaurants/food vendors for lunch because thats just what I was used to, I shopped at the same stores on my lunch break because once again thats what I was used to. I dwelled on a failed relationship and kept in touch with it, because yes you guessed it, thats just what I was used to. There is comfort in the familiar. There is that sense of security, of knowing the outcomes, of weighing the possibilities, of understanding everything. But, life was never meant to be understood, it was simply meant to be lived.

Life is not like a box of chocolates, it is not what’s happening when you’re busy making other plans, there are no windows of opportunity or imaginary doors being shut in your face. There is no hero who is going to come and save you, and no king to bow down to. Life is not to be explained, and neither are you. You are not a personality quiz, you are not an IQ nor a demographic, you will never be a statistic nor a follower of anyone but yourself. Your life does not begin with a new job or mate, it begins with your first breath. Nothing defines you but yourself, and no one has you “figured out”. 

You are human, now roar. 


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