How To Be Just Like A Royal

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If the recent gala featuring Wills and Kate has you hankering for a crown or some pomp and circumstance of your own, here are a number of simple tips you can follow so that you too can be just like a royal:

Adorn your signature with at least a half dozen hyphens and seven or more different surnames.

Blow your annual household budget on a discrete evening bash for 600 near-friends and acquaintances.

Practice perambulating slowly and stiffly about with a 30-inch saber hanging from your hip.

Decorate your cute little convertible with crepe paper, then driveVERYslowly round about your neighborhood, nodding and waving at perfect strangers.

Be photogenic (or at least act like it).

Restrict all your conversation to quotable pleasantries and platitudes.

Wear lots of badges, pins, ribbons, sashes and fringes of various sorts.

Hand out currency with your Gran’s picture on each bill.

Take your significant other onto any balcony visible to the neighbors at mid-day for two brief, chaste kisses.

Hand out coloring pages of your likenesses for local schoolchildren to create their own personal keepsakes.

Become a huge fan of the Aston Villa Football Club (and remember: football really means soccer).

Find an 850-year-old church and book it for your next family do.

Parade your kid brother past throngs of swooning teens and twenty-somethings looking to get hitched.

Get in the habit of appending ‘HRH’ to the front of your name.

Pluck the most garish outfit out of your closet and wear it proudly around the neighborhood.

Fill your day-timer with public appearances, photo ops, state dinners, award ceremonies and a whole lot of not much else.

Get down on one knee whenever you want to ask your Grandmum anything.

Start balding before you have turned 30. (I did.)

Casually invite Elton, David and Victoria over to the house some Friday.

Have total strangers take 17,493 photos of you and 26,513 of your spouse, then allow them to sell them to every two-bit media outlet on the planet.

Ask the government to finance your next big party.

Make a dress using no less than 120 yards of fabric, incorporating the images of flowers from no less than six countries.

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