How Tears Become A Roses?

Few days from now would be our 1st Wedding Anniversary. Me and my husband have lots of plan about it. It would be a great event in our lives together as we thought. We count the days for that, even my coming here in his place. In my culture, counting days or planning things in advance, as if you control everything is not good. We called it “Nagbilang ng sisiw kahit itoy itlog pa, (counting chicks from an eggs. It might be true or it might not.

Many months ago, you did not hear me writing. It is because I was too occupied for my husband, rather than writing. He visited me in the Philippines, December 2010 to April 5, 2011.  One time my husband asked me, “Why did you not writing articles anymore? Are you tired now?” I really do want to, but I have too many things to write that I don’t already know what comes first. I draft a lot, but nothing is finished. It was so nice to rather lay down with my husband, my head in his arms and talking lots of things, as if there is no more tomorrow. I felt like I miss him everyday, even he was just by my side.

During his stay with me, I made sure that I don’t let pass the every opportunity I got to tell him, how much I love him. I kiss him a lot and hug him tight, making sure that he really was with me. I cook him foods he likes and sometimes he did not like he he he, but he always choose to eat it, to not to hurt my feelings. He corrected my cooking, but most of the time we ate outside like in Mc Donald and other good restaurant. We really had a great time together. Very great.

We also stayed with my parents for 3 months. I knew, he almost can’t stand the climate in my place but he did for my sake, while waiting for my visa to get here in Arkansas. We prayed a lot, even some of my pastors help, to pray for the release of my visa, but time sometimes is unfair.  He needs to come back without me for some serious reason. A month later, I got the visa and, I am now here in his apartment. He prepared this for me, with my dress he bought hanged in the dressing room. Our bed, my foods and everything he thought I needed.

I am now in our apartment, physically alone. My husband said goodbye with tears in his eyes. God took him already before I came. It is so sad. My heart bleeding badly. The Pain running from my sole, spine and throughout my body.  It shaken me so hard. Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to think, but just to cry. I don’t want to see anything. Just want to close my eyes, and yeah that made me felt better. The world is so dark.  Families, friends and everyone coming and said, “It will be alright”. I know, just don’t know when.

I know how to survive, I mean I know in the other side of my mind, I can do it. Sooner I can, maybe? “God please help me” is the only thing I can think. And whispering to my heart, about how much I love my husband. I miss him terribly, but he needs to go to be free from pain. He’s hurting so much a long long time ago. God sets him free from suffering already. I know it hurts me, and to everyone that loved him, but we need to let him go with God. In heaven, he no more hurts, no more problems and no more suffering.  Yeah, I should think that way. That’s the best thing for him to be truly happy. He has done things for me. He made the best thing for me already, even in the last beating of his heart. Honey, I love you so much.

In the new phase of my life, its again an adventure. I don’t know what lies ahead. But I know, God is just right here by my side. There is always light at the end of the darkness. What a lovely words from a certain song.  All things work together for good to those who love God, who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) Before this thing happened, we already talked about it, that if something happens in our lives, we just think the purposes of God.

God made a way to bring me and Mike together again, and that was why our wedding on June 28, 2010 was done. Friends, pastors and families were so happy for us with that moment. I was so happy, because after  10 years that we been parted, our Lord held us together. Now, he is gone leaving me alone in this dark world. Would I say, it is still God’s plan? I will say yes, maybe I didn’t see the hint, but I know in my heart, God is too good to be mistaken. In Job 1:20, one of my favorites verses, it says how we came to this world. How God gave, and how He would take away everything. I still always praise God.

God, I love you so much. Thank you for giving Mike a place in heaven free from pains, problems and with perfect happiness. We are so happy that you held our lives together. Thank you for making me part of his life. He is the love of my life, the joy of my heart, and the very person that made my faith in you stronger. You are my Lord, the master of my fate. You know better that I am. Right now, I may in deep sorrow and pain, but I know you just here by my side. The pain is unbearable but with your blood I may heal, not instantly but I will. You are so good. All the time, you are good God.

Our first anniversary, he might not with me but in my heart, he is always will. God and him will celebrate that day with me. Honey, I miss you so much. I love you, Mike forever. I will not say goodbye, same way that you did not said goodbye on me. Never that you said goodbye on me. We will see each other my Love, in God’s time. I will take care of myself, Love because I know you do not want me to be sad and sorrow. I will be strong in the Lord.

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