A lot of Black women simply are not interested in a brother at all. “We can be friends; I tried that before and I didn’t like it.” You don’t have to be loud to get my attention; back in the day I might date outside of the race but I always came back to Shaquisha, Shanita, Laquisha, Ronita, whatever. Not that there is anything wrong with it because a lot of guys are into that but I do not have to hear you before I can see you. Those girls never gave me the time of day (until I got into college) but I kept returning. Because while I was open to other races, I was still a Black man and I still loved Black women.
Men like someone that is different. A lot of Black women are Black in name only; they just happen to have dark skin, a lot of melanin. That is where the “Blackness” ends. But men like someone that is different. You do not have to be someone that you aren’t, and I feel that for many years Black women felt the pressure to conform to an ideal of normalcy that did not fit them. Yet our culture is monolithic and we tell Black women that if they aren’t loud we won’t sleep with them. Then we turn around and tell them that if they aren’t bourgeois they aren’t good enough for us to marry. We tell Black women a lot of things, contradictory things, sentiments that simply do not make any sense upon closer examination, yet we persist because we feel that is what society thinks that a true Black man is supposed to be.
No one wants to be weak; our culture is a resilient one and one in which you mark your territory and learn where you fit in early in the game before someone else defines you and you cannot define yourself. Once you have a label placed upon you it can be difficult for you to move later on in life. Experiences may vary, but you should be free to be who you are, unapologetically. That is easy to do if you fit into the status quo, but if you are different and on the outside looking in it this can be very difficult. We say that we want someone that is exotic; but that does not mean that you have to look like a model, doesn’t mean that you are mixed or that you are light skinned or dark skinned. For years I thought that is what it meant, but my definition has changed over the years.
It is not enough to just look different. You want someone that thinks differently and someone that can broaden your own horizons and force you to look at life differently. You thought that you wanted that safe girl from the ghetto, but times change and now you want a free thinker, a philosopher, an intellectual. You might still find her in the ghetto, but she might be working at McDonalds; you have to keep your options open.
That girl with a good degree might have the same qualities but she might not look your way. No one cares about ignorance, but everyone wants someone that seems as though they are down to earth. These are the women that men always end up with, are committed to, and would sacrifice themselves for. Could be a Southern girl in rural Mississippi or North Carolina or might be a girl in the slums of East New York; we all want a regular girl that is committed to something other than herself.
Now I am not saying that men do not look. But what are you really looking for? Do you really want that girl, or do you just want to use her or run through her or do you have some other false intentions for her? I am a nice guy that tries to do nice things. But just like every set of bad girls has that one nice girl that they are cool with I could also be that one guy that isn’t doing what the men around me are doing. I know what men are thinking; the best policy is just to leave people alone but the average guy is not going to do that.
These aren’t the men that you want; unless you have your own objectives and know what you are trying to get out of that situation for yourself what is the point? Somebody might fall in love with you but the chances are pretty great that they might not. A player that has a lot to say, knows when to say it and knows what not to say, whereas I’m awkward and might say whatever comes to my mind. I know the difference because I’ve done the same thing myself in reverse.
Yet there comes a time when Shaquisha, Shanita, Laquisha and Ronita need to be left alone to their own devices. At the end of the day I’m not even mad at them. Plus it was fun while it lasted. There also comes a time when the privileged girls with the proper names need to be left alone as well. They have a nice name that sounds good, and to the people that you tell about her you could be dating a girl of any race if they never saw her. They do not even sound like an African-American woman on the telephone. No assumptions need to be made. But they are a lot to keep up with; they have their own money but they have a lot of demands on the men in their lives and they do not know what they want out of a relationship. You’re there helping them to figure that out. But I’m not mad at them either; we had some good times, but it just was not meant to work out.
The perfect woman is all of the stereotypical things as well as all of the things you may have never expected to learn that were a pleasant surprise that you love to hate about women of her race, both good and bad, on opposite ends of the spectrum, that can get with you and set you in line. You have to respect it, and this is why you continue to return to this woman. At the same time there are a lot of broken, angry women out there and I always have a few questions that I like to ask. Do you really like the opposite sex? Are you really into men or women? Or is your animosity towards the opposite sex a reflection of the way that you feel about yourself? Too often we say that this is the way that we are, when in reality we still have unresolved issues that no one can do anything about. I’m not mad at you though; I just hate that other people are …