Press Release – Gotta Laugh All Day (Glad) is Running Rampant

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Gotta Laugh All Day Syndrome (GLADS), also known as the giggles, the hee-haws, and the a-hyilks, in some southern states, is a mood disorder effecting millions and the numbers are rising at alarming rates prompting the American Society of Scientists (ASS) to issue warnings of the impending epidemic that threatens the free world. Affecting our young and old, and both male and female, the symptoms are similar to the paralyzing mental disorder Blind Love Is Safe Syndrome (BLISS). The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders classifies this crippler as a “major form of balance and happiness”.

Studies have revealed this dread disease has plagued mankind for centuries dating back to the Helarwee and Fugarwee tribes of ancient Mesopotamia. The flagrant laughing, regarded skeptically by the elders of the clans, was once believed to be the byproduct of the succulent gush-gush fruit which, when peeled, could cause a stream of nectar to squirt out into an eye of anyone present resulting in an “uncontrolled heaving of the chest accompanied with the violent release of air and uncertain vocal noise from those who witnessed the event”. 

The rumblings, convulses, and unintelligible hoots and hollers were thought to be harmless even after it was determined these wild gyrations and loud bursts of squeals or shrieks were a precursor to the release of horrendous odors and yet more alien noises that were expelled from a cavity at the opposite end of the body. It wasn’t long before the Food and Bug Wisemen determined the gush-gush fruit caused a predisposition to this horrific ailment and banned future use of this demonic “musical” fruit.

The actions imposed by the Food and Bug Wisemen were instantly accepted by the silent masses who, without question or hesitation, resumed digging in the mud for grubs. Some tribesmen though, banded together and snuck off into the bush where they continued picking the gush-gush and sat around crackling fires eating the fruit into all hours of the night while enjoying the melodies their bodies produced from either end and had a grand old time.

One night, however, after excessive amounts of gush-gush were consumed, things got a little crazy and the inherent dangers came into light. Nobody knows exactly what happened that fateful night but legend has it that the rebels were forcibly contorting their lower extremities in a deliberate attempt to facilitate the discharge of ghastly bodily noises while encouraging others in their party to join in.

Consequently, these achievements increased the further release of even more upper bodily noises emitted from their mouths and thus a viscous cycle manifested itself among the group. The wildlife fled as the boys were whooping it up out there in the woods around the raging campfire totally ignorant of the explosive nature involved in these gasses they flagrantly released into the atmosphere that were later believed to be the cause of jungle warming.

Around 3am an explosion (initially thought to be an erupting volcano) rocked the entire jungle. The clandestine assemblage mysteriously disappeared without a trace leaving behind an eight foot wide, three foot deep crater where the fire had been. Gush-gush peelings were found in the surrounding trees.

Thanks to science and modern technology, we now know the true causes of unbridled laughter to be directly linked to humor, which is further aggravated when fresh air is inhaled, the ingestion of nutritious foods are introduced, and walking is administered. Communicating with others, reading, and the decadent practice of creating jokes further exacerbates the progression of this disease. Further, the belief in a higher authority has been known to decrease anxiety while enhancing perception, mental prowess and creativity, which only adds more gas to the flame. It gets worse.

Doctors chillingly speculate those affected have demonstrated an ability to identify themselves, unite with others who share this malady, and go through a mental process that they believe allows them to perceive the world in a clear light that exposes greed and fraud disguised as benevolence. Not only do these people laugh uncontrollably, but they begin to question the world around them, endangering the status quo that world leaders work so hard to preserve.

Although no cure has been documented, the severely afflicted with acute GLAD, in its final stages, have been placed in rooms and treated with costly megadoses of dark but this has been known to sometimes precipitate a regression into what modern day philosophers refer to as “character”. Apparently, this trait is discovered once ‘eyes upon the individual’ are removed. This forces the patient to look into himself for answers without the benefit of peer pressure that society generously provides. Theoretically, the temporary absence of other people’s presence allows the concept of thought and free will to emerge,  elevating this disease to a precedent never seen since the days of the Bubonic Plague.

The US National Library of Medicine, in collaboration with the government, notes that every precaution has been put in place to implement a halt to this disease and stop it in its tracks. The government and the corporations that control the government are taking steps today that will hopefully eradicate this plague within our lifetime. ASS is currently accepting tax deductible contributions to this cause. Thank you for your continued support.

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