Wednesday, December 13

Who i Have Become.

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de Lino Ruiz R, el Lunes, 03 de enero de 2011 a las 13:01

sometime i wish i could turn back time, not so that i could change the things that have been done to me or that wich i have sufered, instead i would like to go back so i can ask the people I have hurt for forgiveness, this acking heart weighs heavy on me and brings me to the ground in moments of solitude, it torments me at nights when sleep is nowhere to be found and light has hidden completely from my sight, mi conscience does’nt let me sleep thinking how i was capable of hurting the people that showed me nothing but there love for me, those people who knew how to value the few or many virtues that make me the person that i am, a person who knows how to hurt like if it was an art, that knows how to separate as if i was a wall, i have tried to love, be a better person, be “good”, and i end up inmersed in confusion and doubt over if my attitude is trully honest OR if i am going against my true nature,why do i say this you ask?, because, if I “try” to be good, then isn’t it a forced act, something that is not innate to my nature?, because the reason i am trying to be “good” or that we as a society try to be “good”, is bacause everyone tells us what is a good person, not because we form our own opinion on the matter, am i not just faking for the sake of others?, OR is it just the natural process of growth, where i have finally surpassed my personal history and this history hasnt been able to catch up again?, i feel as if i am running full force to my ultimate goal without knowing what this goal is, that i am trying to act one way or another and i dont even know why, trying to live hoping the next day is better than the last and that at some point the voices of my past hurtfull acts, start to dissapear, and that the tears i have shed for this past that i have lived, the tears of the people who i have hurt and that lay over my acking heart can finally dry, leaving inly the teaching of a time where i was young, and didn’t really know what i was causing.

sometimes I wish I wasn’t the person that i am, but then i realize that the reazons for this wish are not the ones that should be, because if this wish is made only because i have hurt others, i am basicaly making my self responsible for the feelings of others and responsibilities that are not my own, ultimately we are all responsible for our own feelings, and it is this idea that should guide our judgment, that should guide our accion, how many times have we not stopped ourselves from giving our oppinion just because of the fear of how others will react to our way of seeing things, without realizing that that is not of our concern, our MAIN concern should be, to speak our minds freely, without of course hurting others intentionaly, after this maybe you and I can see, that maybe there was a reazon to our way of being at some point, and that even if someone felt bad about something we said to them, it is not our fault how they interpreted that information… maybe someday we will understand this fundamental point of human relations, and we can finally be free of guilt for giving our point of view and speaking out when we feel the need to be heard.

For one more day trying to be better.have a nice day…  or better yet, MAKE a nice day, make a nice life 🙂


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