Friday, December 15

"is There Beauty in Vulnerability"?:

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         “Oh what a love to behold like the Love Tim and I shared… the picnics in the park, he would make the best ham and cheese sandwiches, & would refuse to allow me to help him. Then his homemade Lemonade always tasted so tangy but just right, not to sweet, or not to sour…  He would say Pam baby bring the portable radio so we can have our own music to dance to… We both enjoyed dancing so slowly to the rhythm of soul love songs by Celine Dion and Michael Bolton… He would grip me gently, one of his hands holding mine, and the other supporting my back, but not before he bowed and asked mannerly “Mrs. can I have this dance with such a rare gem? I would happily replied why yes but of course Sir”.  So we would sway away to the music, our feet shuffling through the green grass in the park… holding one another so softly until we were both really tired… Tim would wake me up in the morning on weekends & bring me breakfast in bed, eggs & bacon, with waffles, all made  by him, it was all so tasty and scrumptious. I would say sometimes my Dear you are spoiling me, he would say Pam nonsense, this is but mere catering which I love offering to a queen whose feet I am not worthy to wash. He showed me what Love was, it was not in the many sweet and kind acts he did for me daily, but it was in his gentle soul which would cross barriers if any, to express to me that I was a precious and  most valuable jewel to him. I am Pam and this is my story… Here I stand, restless, putrid, and totally miserable with whom I am and the state I am in at this point in my life… “Does anybody love me or even care about me”? – is the question I constantly ask myself at the beginning of a new day. I am 45, homeless and totally destitute with no one to hold me without scorning me. I no longer have someone to whisper in my ears, “I love you”. Will these graven days ever go away?! Will I ever be set free from this state  of poverty I am now in?! It was a sunny Thursday morning in Houston Texas, June 25th 2009, I began another day with my usual routine. However this day did not end so great, as my other days did. At 9:30 (a.m.) I heard a knock on the door as I was heading out to be at work for ten (a.m.). I was a Pre-school English- Language Teacher for K-4 class at the Xcel Toddler Academy. My work place was just three blocks from my home, and I did not have to be at work as early as Tim who had to be at work for six (a.m.) every week morning. Tim was a Police Officer at the Central Detective Unit Department in Houston Texas. As I anxiously answered the door I was suprise to be greeted by my husband’s partner Dave and Ron their Chief officer of their Detective Department. I was immediately taken aback when I saw both men face soiled with tears, and such pitiful facial expressions. “Where is Tim guys”? – “Where is my husband”? “Why is he not here with you two”? Ron answered my question, and delivered to me the worst news anyone could ever hear… – “Mrs. Rushmore your husband was shot during an armed robbery which happened at 8:30 (a.m.) at the main Mall downtown”. We got a call from the Mall Security who informed us of the robbery which was carried out by three men who were massively armed and dangerous and was in the process of stealing the Fine Jewels Boutique on the first floor of the Mall, so we headed there with backup to get everything under control. When we arrived on the scene and headed in the direction of the jewelry store. Just about when we approached the doorway of the Jewels Boutique Tim saw one robber escaping through the back door of the store, so Tim ran after him without even alarming us to help him, and then when he was near him, Tim pulled his shirt and began tackling him. ( While standing in shock at the doorway wondering if Tim was ok as we could no longer see him after he ran through the back door, we were called on our radio’s and was told that the other two  robbers had managed to leave the Jewels Boutique area before we arrived, but the Mall Security managed to apprehend them on their way out). After being informed the other two robbers were caught already we then decided to head through the back door to help Tim, but as we got near him and the robber we saw both of them wrestling relentlessly, then we heard a gun shot. Our mouths both hung open in despair, Tim had been shot during the scuffle among him and the robber. We ran so quickly after the robber after he tried to flee again when realizing Tim was shot. We finally caught him. Then headed back to Tim as we had called for Paramedics on our radio we met them there helping Tim. It was confirmed he had been shot below his abdomen. Paramedics had called the Ambulance and worked on Tim to stop the rapid blood loss and waited for it to come. Unfortunately Tim past away due to over rapid blood loss at 8:50 (a.m.) just before the Ambulance arrived. Please have our deepest sympathy from the Central Detective Unit Department of Houston Texas and it is with great grief that we are sorry for your loss. “Have your sympathy, I don’t want your sympathy, I want my husband”!- I shouted…

         “Immediately, I just lost it all, my mind, my strength, my hopes, my everything was gone, my sweet Tim I would no longer hear his laughter that would awake me so often during the mornings, I would not see his round gentle face, or neither touch it again, or press my face against it. Oh how I wept, and wept some more… I had lost the will to go on. Life without Tim seemed to me as complete worthlessness. A week after I was admitted to the hospital by my  mom who found me past out soiled in sweat and ridden with grief. I was diagnosed with a severe Mental -Breakdown. I was then transferred to a Mental Hospital nearest to the main Hospital in Houston Texas. I had told my mom I never wanted to see our home again as it held such precious memories Tim and I shared and it would only have lead to my complete self-destruction to enter it again. So she placed it on the Realty Market for sale. She said to me, darling someone will have a lovely house whoever it maybe who purchases it. I began to visualize it, the day when Tim and I moved in it after he worked so hard for three months to build it.  White two bedroom house trimmed with stunning tree green, my beloved dream home was how I viewed it. Now I see it as a home of such pain and brokenness, a place I would never think of again or return to. As for my job I never returned due to my stress level, and mental illness I was no longer fit to be around or teach the toddlers at the Academy. Tim and I had chose to not have any kids of our own when we met, as we felt both our jobs was highly demanding of us both and we perhaps would not spend enough time with our kids as we would have liked to. Now I wish we really did decide to have kids, if we did I would now have someone who would have known what I was truly experiencing, and be there to comfort me and lighten the great pain I had endured with the loss of my beloved husband. As for the Mental Hospital I was placed in I was released three weeks after Tim’s death. Since then I have lived on the streets where the homeless people gather along side the roads of Houston Texas. My mom offered to take me in and I refused because I did not want to be a burden to her with the load of pain and anguish I was carrying around.

          So this brings me back to what I was saying at the beginning of my story, since I have been homeless, and struggling with my mental illness which I am currently taking treatment for, I have cried and despised every day I lived. Each day becoming over bearing without my heart’s desire, without my love dove Tim. When Tim was alive I was never feeling vulnerable or insecure. Now I no longer have him I am overwhelmed in doubt, brokenness, and despair. The only beauty I now have that reminds me of my dear Tim is the portrait picture I took from the house that day when I was admitted to the hospital.  It was a picture of he and me on a lovely spring day on the park we were both holding one another and just allowing the scenes of nature before our eyes to melt our hearts with joy. When I see Tim’s wide smile as I look at this picture to see how happy we both were I always shed happy tears, and the longing to hold my beloved husband becomes so strong. I pushed the portrait picture back into my hand bag and said a prayer to God to restore my heart, body, mind and soul.

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