Monday, December 11

Finding Your Way After The Death of a Spouse…

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In less than a year, death found me, losing two important men in my life a husband and an ex-husband.

Grief overwhelmed me, it killed me when people told me to work my way through the grief. 

My Children no longer had a father or a stepfather, losing the step father in August and losing their father in January of the next year, exactly one month after his birthday.

There was excruciating pain of missing them both actually; it was over the top with young grieving children as well.

People tried to tell me the steps to relieve this pain, only loneliness quickly became my best friend and actually my constant companion.  Yes rationalizing that everyone get or is lonely at time, this even happens when you’re married.  Missing the small things, I love you, the phone calls, cuddling in bed, the hugs. This made coming home and having no one to talk to, picking up the phone, finding there is no one to share news with about the children.

The evenings and nights were bad, bad dreams, no one to cuddle with, and no one to kiss or say good night to.

The worst was learning to occupy the house with grieving children when you’re grieving yourself. But finding things to occupy the long hours of the evening to fill the void was almost impossible.

Reading was an escape for me, and then it led to others grief, spending sleepless nights reading about others grief.  Finding out I wasn’t alone, was good for me.

Keeping a journal about my grief, it helped me when I wrote about the good times, like when the children were born, and I also wrote about the bad times, this was a great help and part of my healing. This is something I still do today, wanting to leave it for my children, so they can read it when they are older, and maybe they will understand what I was going thru.

One of my greatest joys and comforts is and always will be my Boston Terrier Tommy, he can’t get enough attention, he became the cuddling dog, it was as if he knew when I was depressed, of feeling down, but most of all he was happy to see me when I came home. Tommy was a gift from my husband for Christmas.

Reaching out to others, but I quickly found out who my true friends were, the heavy sorrow and deep rooted pain took over my emotions.  The few friends that hung around, told me to get a grip on life, before they quit answering the phone.  When I was searching for out pouring love from my friends, it wasn’t anywhere to be found. My mom told me once a true friend is someone that knows all about you but likes you anyways.  At this time there weren’t any.

My family became supportive of myself and my children, invitations came from my relatives for cook-outs and birthdays, they were difficult to accept the invitations because they tip toed around the subject that was weighing heavy in my soul.  But I forced myself to go, and accepted many as possible.  This made me realize life had to go on, it
was up to me to live again, and no one could help me, but me.

The phone wasn’t my only way to communicate, I sent out thank-you cards for the people that tried to be there for me, but found I was seriously too much to deal with. 

Each of us take this path, of death, some of us handle it better than others.  Today I walk proudly with my chin up, thanking God that these two men were a part of my life. And without them, I wouldn’t have my wonderful children, or my cute best friend Tommy.

Missing them will always be a part of my life.  When I look at my Grand-daughter, thinking you will never know your Grandfather, and also thinking how lucky I was to have known mine.

Life takes us on a ride; it is up to us to hang on.



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