House of Cards Part 3

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At this point  I guess I should take a little time out to explain that, I was no particular saint as far as the relationship went either.  I didn’t cheat, but I had a lying streak a mile wide. I was a pretty young guy going into this relationship and, well. It all started on the internet. Every young guy out there knows what I’m talking about. When talking to women on the internet, you buff yourself up. Make yourself seem more impressive than you actually are.  After all, internet relationships never progress much past that…do they?  I had lied about a couple of things.  And then well, issues had popped up. Like me taking money from our bank account to pay for her birthday party without telling her. Or indeed, perhaps the most common of all internet frauds. Lying about your age.

Regardless.  I was by no means the saint in this relationship.  And perhaps that’s why I wanted to see if it could work.  Because, despite what she did making me sick. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the person to cast the first stone.  Having time to reflect on a lot of things lately.  I put my lying down to fear. And  I suppose that’s the same with most people. Like my girlfriend ( now ex girlfriend) ‘s fear of being caught out.  My own fears were mostly similar. And equally petty.  Which. Is mostly why I titled this thing. House of Cards. Although I’ll explain that one in more detail later on.  I went for a visit to my parents, they lived in Scotland, and at that time I was living in England. It was a good excuse for a break away from her to reorder my thoughts and figure out just what the hell I was going to do with myself. But it seemed that this was only just another step towards my own tragedy.

In  a night that, to me, I’ll never forget ( but  I’m sure the other person involved wishes she does, at least now) I began conversing with a friend on msn. Who, I call friend but. Had never really spoken to in great detail. She had just gotten over the break up from her fiancé. And was currently struggling to get used to life with her son living with her parents.  We talked all night, in the early hours of it it was mostly about her, and me talking about how I loved my girlfriend. And then…well..walls came down. I don’t know what it was but, I just spilled out everything. Her cheating on me. Me wanting to leave her. Everything.  We continued this over the next few weeks until it got to a point where she actually wanted me to go ahead with the break up so that she could have me for herself. And believe me…I was all too willing.  But then pop up reminders. Like annoying little clicks on a website came up with the current girlfriend. She would kill herself if I left.

I wanted to give myself a shot at happiness with this other girl. But I didn’t want my girlfriend dead, and her blood on my hands.  Gray hairs fell to my pillow. Much like I fell into a pit of my own fears.

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