Genesis: With Added Bonus Features

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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the whole place was covered with water. And the spirit of God moved along the face of the earth; and God said, “Yich! Who’d wanna live in a place like this?” And he went away and never came back.

Then Bernie showed up. And Bernie looked upon the face of the earth and he couldn’t see anything ’cause it was dark. And Bernie said, “Let there be light;” and there was light. And Bernie saw the light, and he fell down in disbelief.

After a while, Bernie got up and he took a look around; and he thought, ‘This place has real potential, could use a little sprucing up, but on the whole it’s not bad. Let’s see what we can do with it. We’ll begin with the lighting.’

And so Bernie divided the light from the darkness. And Bernie called the light Day, and the darkness he called Noches, being somewhat bi-lingual.

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

The next morning, shortly after breakfast, Bernie realized that his shoes and pants were sopping wet, and he got this extraordinary notion. And Bernie said, “What we need around here is firmament; we gotta have some firmament.” And Bernie spent the rest of the day trying to find some firmament. And he searched all over. And he searched high and low. And even though he looked in every nook and cranny, there simply wasn’t any firmament to be found. So finally he gave up. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

A couple of days later, Bernie decided to forget all about firmament, and make some land instead.

And Bernie said, “Let there be land in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.” And Bernie made the land, and divided the waters which were under the land from the waters which were above the land; and it was so.

And Bernie said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, the fruit tree yielding fruit, and flowers and plants of every kind; and let there be parks, and botanical gardens, and humidity, and lots of good naturestuff like algae and lichen and little bits of mold; and also there should be lots of neat places to go if we ever have days off, places like the Grand Canyon, and Niagara Falls; and also, we’re gonna need Summer, and other seasons to be named later; and there should be recreational activities, like picnics with hot dogs and hamburgers and gobs of potato salad, and beer. For god sake, don’t forget the beer.”

And Bernie looked upon what he had made, and he was exhausted; and he took the rest of the day off.

And on the morning of the sixth day, Bernie looked around and sensed something was wrong. And Bernie walked upon the face of the earth checkin’ it out. And Bernie saw magnificent beauty; wondrous creatures that moveth through the waters, great winged fowl that flyeth in the wind. And Bernie looked upon these things and saw that they were good. And to each of them he gave a name. And to the great winged foul, he gave the name Bird. And to the creatures of the water he gave the name Fish. And he called the wind Mariah.

But with all the abundant wealth that Bernie beheld, he still felt that something was wrong; something was missing. And Bernie meditated on it for a while, and then it came to him: There’s no music. And so Bernie decided to get himself some music; and he worked on it for most of the afternoon. And finally, at 4:20 Eastern Standard Time, it suddenly occurred to Bernie that in order to have music he would have to get someone to play it.

And so it was that on the sixth day Bernie called up the musicians union and booked a band for the weekend.

Thus, the Heavens and the Earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day Bernie ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. And Bernie blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it because on it he had rested from all his work which Bernie created and made. And the seventh day was declared a holiday; and there was a celebration. And the celebration began on the seventh day and lasted for two score of days. And so it was that for forty days and forty noches, Bernie hung out on earth, listening to GENESIS.

(It must have been very soothing.)

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