Jobs I Know I Can't Do

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I have been looking for a job, a part time job.  People say apply for anything and everything; except I cannot do that when I don’t have certain skills. So here’s a list of the jobs I know I can’t do…

Accountant: I am mathematically challenged. We can go to jail together!

Auto Mechanic- I have a car. I can turn it on, drive it, stop it when need be, and turn it off. Otherwise I am your stereotypical woman.

Car Insurance Salesman – I am not a gekko. Next.

Chef: I am a vegetarian. I do not eat nor touch meat, fish, nor poultry. So half the time you’d be getting a salad or something starchy, or both! 

Gastroenterologist- I am the fart, the source of the farts. I have the stomach pains and will tell you ways to manage your pain. I am a little sh*t, but I cannot tell you what you have by sticking something up your butt or down your throat-and my gosh that sounds worse than what I meant.

Java Manager: In reading the description of this job, I was sad to find this had nothing to do with organizing coffee. Instead, it had to do with computers. I have very little knowledge of Java programming. It

would sort of be like accounting, without the jail bit.

Phlebotomist: One of two things would happen: either I would faint at the site of all that blood or I would chase unsuspecting victims with needles saying “I want to suck your blood.” Yeah, most likely I would faint (or vomit) at the site of all that blood.

Plumber: The thought of cleaning out just one cesspool makes nauseas. Plus I don’t have the right kind of buttcrack for that position.

Proctologist: I am better versed in being the pain-in-the-ass, rather than being removing the pain-in-the-ass.

Telemarketer – I hate when they call me at 7am and ask for my mother , and when I ask to take a message they ask if I would like to buy something. No.I wouldn’t like to buy whatever it is you are selling, especially when it’s a chimney sweep because we don’t have a fire place. So, me doing that? I don’t have the patience for the hang-ups and all the cursing that would come from the other end.

Truck Driver- All alone on a long haul….and not having my own toilet attached to my truck–FAIL. Stopping at truck stops every few hours–UBER FAIL because I need to be able to pee when I have to pee. 




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