No, That Doesn't Make Your Butt Look Big

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I don’t know of a man alive who would argue that almost everything about women is complex. From our families and jobs, to our health and relationships, we can complicate just about anything. Ask our therapists. However, to our female brains, things seem simple. Take our friendships with other women. Simple? Of course not, when viewed by the average male. But, to us, an understood code that’s been in place for centuries governs girly friendships.
 

Women can be loyal to the end when a good friend’s been wronged by another. Unwritten rules exist for several situations, demonstrating such loyalty. Say an ex-boyfriend starts dating someone new. I’m not sure it’s biblical, but once such rule states that close friends of the former girlfriend dislike the new girl upon first sight. Good friends know the guy’s new squeeze lacks the three B’s – beauty, boobs, and brain cells. She could be the reigning Miss Universe, a nuclear physicist (what are the odds), and a volunteer brain surgeon on the weekends, and it wouldn’t matter. She’s automatically dumber than a potato and uglier than homemade sin.
 

Another unwritten rule involves telling the truth. Mostly when not to, like when discussing one’s weight or size of their backside. The standard answers apply: “No, those don’t make your butt look big,” and “No, of course you’re not fat. Yes, I’d tell you if you were.” These non-negotiable rules apply for life. Wedding dresses are possible exceptions, and only because of the importance of the garment. Otherwise, honor the code. Who, among us gals, hasn’t told a pregnant buddy she doesn’t really look pregnant, even when that buddy’s like eight months along? Besides, it’s not really lying if the other person agrees to it, right? Hmm…
 

The code represents the glue of female friendships. Good deeds, of course, count as glue, too. Sometimes blunt honesty just flat out saves a friend from serious embarrassment. Here are a few examples of honesty that defines true friendship:
 

Alerting a gal pal to a rogue booger skirting the edge of a nostril, threatening escape.
 

Not letting her exit a restroom with a toilet paper tail stuck on her heel, or worse, trailing from under her skirt.
 

Bringing her attention to the need for a mustache or – God forbid – beard wax.
 

True friends will tell you when it’s time to donate that sweater from the 80s, they’ll cry with you into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and they’ll let you know when you need professional help. Even our closest family members can drop the ball when it comes to such tasks.
 

A friend once told me that some folks come into our lives for a lifetime, while others hang around for only a season. The older I get, the more I appreciate my close friends. A girl knows which girlfriends are around for a lifetime. They’re the ones you can count on to help you drag and hide a body during the wee hours. Not that I would know anything about that…

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