2010: What I Learned

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In that morning of january 15 2010 I left for Miami, FL US. I was very happy to go there. It was a very dark dusk but it would soon become a bright beautiful morning. I boarded the plane and I was very anxious to arrive at my destination. Little did I know I was going to endure the hardest, most painful months of my entire life. Whatever happened is not what I want to describe here, but what I learned from all of it. I was there until may 2010. My soul was transformed in that short period of time. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I had never felt so abandoned. I had done something terrible and I had been punished severely for it. It is necessary to say that everything I did was not intentional, and that I tried my best not to harm anyone. I was of course plunging the dagger deep into my heart with my own to hands without knowing, and I was being guided by a cold blooded woman who took advantage of my naivety, my lack of experience, and my openness.

I don’t regret any thing. I gave my heart, as I always do, to this person, and in the mean time, she was pulling strings, like a puppet master, she was moving pieces on a chess board, she was playing me like a sucker. Whatever it was, I was blind and unable to see what was really going on and in the end, when the bubble burst, I was left alone in the dark, I was hungry and unable to eat, I was tired without a bed to sleep on in a foreign country where I barely knew anyone. 

The reasons of all this mess and how it came about are of course of no importance, but what really matters is all the pain and suffering I caused to myself and a very dear person to me which I have no intentions to reveal. I have no intentions of apologizing either. As I said before, It wasn’t like I had set out to hurt anyone. I believed, and for believing I fell into a trap, initiated by a kiss, carefully crafted in lies, and which later lead to my falling. 

How sad I felt and how bad it hurt. 

It is said though that after falling you learn to stand up. I packed up my stuff and came back. I was here after all that chaos, but I was here. I didn’t feel at home though. I had left behind me a trail of destruction and ahead of me I could see nothing more than that. I had experienced a storm at its worse, and before me all I saw was the leftovers of a life in ruins. 

Idleness is what follows a storm. Not a leaf moved by the winds. Not a drop of rain to moisten the soil. Idleness. That is what followed my time in Miami. Back in here, in a place I could barely call home, I felt so lost and misplaced. Soon everything would get better, but I wasn’t counting on it. All of a sudden she appeared. She became my ray of light. She made me happy. She made me trust again, she made me give myself completely again, and I fell in love again as if it were for the first time. 

I don’t know what will happen. All I know is that I’m willing to love her as I do. I am willing to give myself away and this is all that matters. I love her and loving her makes me happy. So here’s for 2011. Here’s for hope and love! Here’s for her!

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