I pulled back on releasing this cause I didn’t want to dampen anyone else’ mood. I went through the motions of greeting everyone a Merry Christmas (although what I really meant was “I hope you have a wonderful day, everyday and peace to all mankind” it was just shorter to say “Merry Christmas), going to mass, giving gifts to loved ones and singing Christmas carols.
What they don’t know is:
I hate Christmas.
I hate what it stands for.
But I won’t tell you not to love it or to hate it like I do.
You see, we have different situations.
I was 6 years old when I realized there was no Santa Claus. I crawled under the couch after my mother tucked us in bed on Christmas Eve. I was so curious about Santa Claus and wanted to see how he’d manage to place toys in every tree from Asia to Africa in just one night.
An hour went by with no activity.
Soon enough I saw shadows moving and footsteps. I peeked out from under the couch and saw my mom placing gifts on the tree.
All labeled, from Santa.
Christmas was never the same after that.
My mom died December 1, 1997. I was 18. She had been sick for some time and I grew up fast because of that. I was working all the time just to help keep things afloat. My dad was torn between caring for business, caring for us his children and caring for his wife. I decided to grow up and help him out. I didn’t know it was a very heavy load.
While my friends were out partying and having fun I was running our pharmacy. I lost track of people because of that.
Christmas was not as happy as it used to be when she died.
So i’ve crossed it off my list of special ocassions.
I’m not telling you to hate it. I hate it because of the circumstances in my life.
Wait a minute. I should really think about this more.
Maybe I don’t hate it.
Maybe I’m just sad and I can’t move on yet. I know it’s been more than 10 years since she died and way too long since I realized that the symbol for Christmas (Santa) was a lie, but I don’t want to come off as some Grinch or Scrooge.
I have to start liking it soon. I have a nephew now, who still believes in Santa and maybe soon enough i’ll have kids of my own and I want them to be able to believe in something as ridiculous as a jolly fat person covering the entire Earth in one night powered by cookies and milk on a herd of reindeer and a sled.
So that’s my resolution for 2011:
I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. I will not hate Christmas. (You get the idea right? otherwise I’d have to repeat it a hundred times)