Why Do We Do It?
As women why is it that we continue to allow ourselves to be hurt by the men in our lives; that we believe will change or the ones that don’t mean what the say. Are some of us so caught up in the process of finding a mate that we enter things blindly believing that our soul mate is whoever is standing in our presence? Are we so driven by the idea of being in love that we carry on with empty relationships simply for the nice label of being someone’s girlfriend? We often blame the guy when in fact we often have nobody to blame but ourselves for allowing the cycle to be repeated. We take the caring nature of certain men and run with it. We think to ourselves that he wouldn’t do this or say that if he didn’t care about me and love me. However if we open our eyes wide enough we would see that the gestures that we believe is him showing his undying love for us is simply just the way he would treat anyone else that he interacts with. We sometimes let our emotions get the best of us and when that happens we become vulnerable. We have a vision of a perfect relationship in our own minds with someone who maybe is just not that into us.
The Sex Cycle
Getting intimate with that person only worsens the cycle, because now we feel a deeper connection to this guy. Sex usually isn’t just sex to us. We are confused by sex and making love. We don’t initially feel the difference, sometimes we never realize the difference between a man taking you for a wild ride and the one who is in tune with your every need mentally and physically. I believe it’s true what they say that once you are intimate with someone it is difficult to sever the ties with them no matter how unhealthy the relationship may be. An emotional and or spiritual connection is made between a man and a woman who are intimate. I believe in many cases women are much more sensitive to this and therefore accept the unacceptable at times.
Take It From Me
On a very personal note, I once met a man who was perfect in every way possible. He had been through many things and still was able to remain strong and positive. Good looking successful man. We became very close friends, we felt the love between us but neither of us was at a point in our lives where we were ready to commit to a relationship. We were both scared due to the outcome of past relationships. We agreed to be friends but we as we got closer we agreed to be the infamous friends with benefits. Neither of us were promiscuous people, there was no current fear of either of us being with other people because we spent all of our time together being great friends and lovers. Everything was there we had what we felt was better than other couples had because we didn’t have the stress of commitment. We could be there for each other without labelling things.
Problem set in when we both wanted more from each other. Sounds like the perfect solution to what we already had, however we both wanted more at different times. I was still scared of getting hurt or eventually losing the best friend I have ever had when he was seeking more from me. He was not feeling ‘emotionally available’ when my desire for more first appeared. He said he was afraid of the same thing I was afraid of as well as the fact that he was still mourning the recent death of a parent whom he loved more than life itself and took care of for several years during an illness.
So with that in mind I understood what he was saying and how he felt. I grasped onto the words that he uttered when he told me that it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me nor want to be with me, he just didn’t think he would be able to give me everything I needed and wanted in a relationship at that time. I respected his honesty and the things he had been through. In fact we grew closer together.
Where is the problem you wonder? I reached the point where my feelings for him became stronger and my fears were disappearing because I believed in my heart that this man could do no harm to me, I was willing to potentially sacrifice the friendship because I was no longer afraid of losing him, because now I felt that our bond was strong enough and the unannounced feelings we had for one another would lead us to be together forever without worrying.
Initially the agreement to remain as we were brought us closer together but after a little bit of time went by it started to separate us.
It had nothing to do with us not getting along; it had everything to do with me accepting the way things were when I actually reached a point where I desired a real commitment from him.
Without me realizing; my desires made me appear to be needy to this man. I have never been the needy type and that’s why it was quite a shock to me when I realized this; or rather it was brought to my attention.
I went from simply enjoying our time together which we had alot of, to worrying about the little things and wondering when it might be that he would be ready to be with me and sometimes saying things that I didn’t realize carried any weight because I felt I was joking but some of the things such as “not like you care anyway” or “it’s always all about you”
Funny thing is I would say it’s all about you, in the manner meaning more that I care for him and was giving him all of my attention. However, he interpreted it differently and to him it came across as an attack at him even when my manner and tone came with a laugh or a smile. Maybe he was right, maybe I was getting needy and maybe I was getting too caught up in what seemed to be something perfect.
The continuation of this slowly started to hinder our relationship and with him backing away a little from me my worry of losing him and thinking he just met someone else and all of the crazy thoughts that came through my head made me act more needy towered him. I would find giving him extra attention and tried to make myself get closer to him, all the while pushing him away.
The moral of the story is, don’t want for something so much that you compromise yourself or even make another person feel uncomfortable because they don’t want the same things you do. This situation was one that I learned from. I didn’t blame him, in fact we are still very good friends. There are no hard feelings and now that things are clear we are both able to continue on in a mature manner. He is still not ready for a relationship, and I understand that he needs some time to get himself where he needs to be in order to give his all in a true relationship. Although he says, that when he is ready for a relationship he would like it to be with me, I am not standing around holding my breath. I made it clear to him that I am at a point where I am ready for a real relationship, rather it turns out to be with him down the road when he is ready or if it is with someone else. I can’t waste time on something that may or may not happen. This is part of the reason why I Enlisted.