Sunday, December 17

The Bottom 10: The Top 10 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time

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1)     The absolute worst is “A Christmas Story.”  It’s about as entertaining as a dentist drill.  I have never finished this whiny, tedious tale.  What makes it worse is that everyone else says they like this puke fest so about 50 of the couple of hundred TV channels are off limits for a full week.  Could somebody shut that kid up by shooting him in the mouth with a BB gun?

2)    “Elf.”  Need I say more?  Watching a grown man prance and gambol around in elf tights is painful to the psyche.  This movie is about as entertaining as a gas station hot dog with extra hair follicles.  If you like sight gags about a large man trying to fit into a set made for children, well, you are a moron and you will love this movie!

3)    “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”  Oh dear God.

4)    Frosty the Snowman is slightly annoying I just wish he would melt for good and stay of the TV!

5)    “Ernest Saves Christmas.”  Thank God that awful Ernest franchise bit the dust and we don’t have to put up with that horrible crap any more.  Ernest achieves his aim:  He is one of the most annoying creatures on God’s green earth.  Now what?

6)    Jim Carrey’s version of the “The Grinch Stole Christmas.”  It is the season of giving so I will be charitable and just say:  I don’t get it.

7)    “Jack Frost.”  It becomes clear what you need in a really bad holiday movie.  The characters, the plot and the whole idea has to be annoying.  If someone comes back as an abomination and resembles a frozen dairy treat I will summon an exorcist and keep a loaded flame thrower by the bed just in case.

8)    “The Santa Claus.”  Time Allen is an over the top bad actor as always and the whiny kid is selfish and annoying.  Tim Allen does manage to accidently kill the previous Santa Claus if you like that sort of thing.  And he has incredible growing hair in annoying and embarrassing places.  Hmmm….Time to move on.

9)    “Jingle All The way.”  It’s not enough to be worst governor of California in living memory.  Did you have to go over the top in chasing after a toy for a kid?  I suppose the premise could be amusing.  The reality was just annoying.

10)                       “Santa with Muscles.”  Oh dear God.


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