Monday, December 11

Love Is Blind

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Love Is Blind

love is blind, we see no color, only each other

There was six years age difference between us, and to us that was the main difference we shared. We had everything in common, we became best friends, we agreed and we disagreed on many things, we did everything together, and still managed to give each other space enough to enjoy spending time with our friends apart from one another. It was the kind of relationship that opened up your eyes, and made you realize that life without this person would be difficult. I knew that he loved me, just as much or even more than I loved him. He was a hopeless romantic, showered me with affection, and knew that it was the little things he did that meant the world to me, like write me a romantic letter, pick me up and go for a drive, to the park, or anywhere, we can enjoy the company of each other, talk. laugh and play. The two of us were made for each other, and by the grace of God we we met and began a beautiful relationship.

Our relationship of course was first based on attraction, which led to the first date, which led to a great friendship, that grew into a love like no other. From time to time he would worry, that I would find someone closer to my age and leave him, but he was always comforted when I would assure him that I’m not looking for anyone else, and I’m not going anywhere.

We were so blinded by the love that we had for each other that we didn’t see what so many other people would see in our relationship before they realized the love we had for each other. The thing that made no difference to us, I am black and he is white.

We were color blindand we both knew that when you find someone good, you don’t let them go.

The Outsiders, Family and Friends

The issues we faced were not severe, but yet made us a little uncomfortable and sometimes very upset. We would get the stares, the rude remarks from time to time. We chopped it up to pure ignorance and disrespect and always vowed not to let it get to us individually and as a couple. These were people out in the world, people we didn’t know personally so why should we let them get the best of us.

My family and friends, were very welcoming of our relationship. It was like they were just as color blind as we were. They knew that I was happy and had a good man and that was all that mattered.

His friends were great, same as my friends, there was no issues present. We were all able to hang out and have a good time together. His family were very nice, they treated me well and I didn’t see or feel that they had any problems with our relationship.

It Got Serious

the rings displayed at engagement party

We were building our relationship together, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into a year, and the second and third year. During this time we we created so many memories, we went through good times, and bad times, but through all the times we were together, there for one another supporting and encouraging one another and that was all that mattered to us.

We were thinking about our lives, our future together for a long time. The love felt strong enough that we couldn’t imagine ourselves apart. We wanted this thing to grow, the sky was the limit.

One night after dinner, we went to a park, a nature trail to be exact. We walked around through the trail, this was something we always liked to do, so it was nothing out of the ordinary to me.

We sat down on a picnic bench after walking about an hour. He pulled out a letter out of his pocket and he sat rubbing my back as I read it. It was a letter of him professing his love to me, telling me how much I meant to him and how he didn’t want to lose me and didn’t know what he would do if he did. At the end of the letter it said, turn around and look me in my eyes.

I did just that! He asked me if I truly loved him, I replied with of course I do, you know that. He started to repeat many of the things I just read in the letter, he appeared happy, but nervous.

Then he got down on one and knee, looked into my eyes, and told me he can’t picture his life without me, and he wants to make sure that he is always with me, through the good and the bad, he told me, he wanted to have a family with me, and be with me, forever and a day. He then asked me if I would marry him!!

With tears in my eyes and a shaky voice, I said YES probably three or four times. This was one of the happiest moments of my life. The man I loved wanted more out of our relationship.

We were both so excited, we couldn’t wait to spread the news to our friends and loved ones.

Didn’t See It Coming

We made phone calls, and visits to our friends and family, sharing the big news and showing off my ring. Everyone seemed to be excited and happy for us, wondering if we had set a date yet, but the news was so fresh we only had a chance to start telling people that although you always said we acted like a married couple, we were now well on our way to becoming one.

We were hyped up, everyone seems to be taking the news well.. We went over to his house and told his sister the news. She hugged us both and was very excited and told me she wants to be a bridesmaid. His parents were not yet home, but were expected to be there soon.

When they arrived, my now fiance could hardly wait for them to get in the door before he shouted to them that we were getting married.

THE SILENCE THAT FILLED THE ROOM AND THE EXPRESSIONS ON THE FACES OF HIS MOTHER AND FATHER WERE AS IF WE JUST ANNOUNCED THE DEATH OF A CLOSE RELATIVE

We were both confused by this. Nobody said anything for what seemed like an hour, but was only a few minutes.

His mother said WHY and his father said You are not ready for this, you guys are too young. I was 22 and he was 28. I was in my last year of college and he had been finished for a while and was working and had a great job in his field. We didn’t feel as if we were too young, we felt as if we were ready to take on life together.

Feeling awkward we were left speechless. Their reactions were not what we looking for and definitely not what we were expecting.

Then the truth was revealed. His mother looked me in my eye and said the one thing that I will never forget. “You would be perfect for my son, if you weren’t black” the words she just said to me pierced me like a knife. How could she be saying such hurtful words to me, she has never led either of us to believe that she had a problem with our dating. She has always been kind to me, inviting me over for dinner, and to go shopping with her and her daughter. Now things between her son and myself, are heading to a permanent level and she can’t handle it.

I was stunned by her words, and furious. I wanted to tell her off, maybe even cuss her out, but in the back of my mind, I was thinking, this is his mother, I am in her house, and I am going to respect her, even though I lost all respect for her.

His family was well off, they owned a few businesses that were doing very well. His father reminded him of that, by telling him if he goes through with this, they will disown him and he will inherit nothing.

The conversation became very heated, tears of joy, quickly turned to tears of pain.

The words they were saying replayed in my mind over and over. Is it true that I am not welcomed into their family, because i’m black?? did I hear this correctly.

With all of that going through my mind, it didn’t dawn on me that my fiance, stood their in silence, while probably just as stunned as I was, he never once defended our love, to his parents.

The Promise

After we were finished having the discussion with his parents, my fiance, assured me that, we were still getting married and there was nothing that they could say or do to change his mind about me. He loves me and that was all that mattered.

The Drama Begins

After a week of us announcing the news, things didn’t get any better from his parents point of view. Now they have had a week to think more on it and were starting to come up with more reasons that were mainly color related, for us not to be together. They were making life difficult for both of us, they were now starting to harass us.

His mother even went as far as trying to set him on dates with other women, and telling me that her son is dating someone else, and I should back off and find someone more suitable for me.

I knew none of this was true.

However, the pressure was putting a strain on our relationship. We were both very close with our families. I was feeling bad, I couldn’t imagine my family disowning me, and I couldn’t imagine being the reason why someone’s family would want nothing to do with them. This was weighing heavily on me.

We started to have arguments about little things, because we were both so stressed out. I was getting calls, basically threats for me to leave him alone or else. It was getting scary, I was starting to feel unsafe when I would go out in public alone, because their anger towards me and the situation was growing by the hour.

Through all of this, I was still hearing from my fiance that he loves me, and that we were going to be happy together even if we had to move away from everyone.

This was not something I wanted. I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t think I was going to have to move away to enjoy my life with him. Would I enjoy my life with him, but away from my friends and family? Would he enjoy his life, knowing that his family disowned him? We he later regret being with me? Would he resent me?

The Call

After about six months of non stop harassment from his parents, the pressure was getting to be unbearable. They now stepped up their game and were offering him materialistic things, such as buying him a house, giving him money and i’m talking alot of it. All of this would be his immediately, if he would break up with me.

I remember minding my own business, doing some cleaning when I got the call.

When I answered the phone I heard his voice, he was crying hysterically. I asked him what was wrong several times, before he would answer me.

He told me he loves me, and he doesn’t want me to hate him.

I knew this couldn’t be good, I kept listening.

He told me that it’s getting to hard, and that he was just in a physical fight with his dad, and that everything is just getting out of hand and he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

He asked me if I loved him, and how much did I love him. He told me that he would always love me, and that I mean everything to him, but THEY were giving him such a hard time, that we can’t see each other anymore.

At this point we are both crying.

He told me that he just needs some time to convince his parents that we are meant to be together. He told me that he wasn’t going to see anyone else and he didn’t want me to either because we were still going to be together.

He ended the conversation with I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

I replied with no you don’t or you wouldn’t be doing this.

I was hurt, I felt like our love didn’t mean a thing to him, I felt like my world was turned upside down, and that if he really loved me, it should be no matter what anyone says or thinks. Even though deep down, I knew that it would be hard for me to take someone from their family.

Secret Love Affair

Broken hearted I was, the man of my dreams out of my life just like that, and there was nothing I could do about it. I knew that even though he said we would be together, it was probably just something he said to make me feel better about the situation.

Two weeks went by with no contact, days and nights were hard for me. I was used to seeing him or talking to him on a daily basis for the past 3.5 years and without a warning its all gone.

At almost week three, he called me. He told me he can’t be without me and he want’s to get back together and he loves me and misses me so so much.

I couldn’t be happier to hear these words from him. My man was back, i knew that true love would win!

He picked me up that night, and we went for a drive to the river to catch up on the time we had lost.

As we talked, I realized there was a catch to us being together again.
it was between me and him, and we couldn’t tell anyone right now, because he had to keep it a secret from his parents, to keep them happy and so they wouldn’t give him a hard time all of the time.

This didn’t sound right to me, but who cares! We were back together, and that was the main thing.

For a while, it was kind of fun, the whole secret of it all. It was like a movie, we were still together, having a good time, but it was kind of risky for us.

Then after a while the fun wore off, and the reality of it all kicked in. It dawned on me, he wants to have his cake and eat it to. I was starting to feel like I was dating a married man, I felt like I had become his mistress.

We would only spend time together in areas where we didn’t know anyone, our meetings were getting to the point where they were after dark, for extra added security. I wasn’t allowed to call his house because he lived with his parents. I was feeling like the other woman and I did not like this feeling at all.

Yes, I felt good being with him, spending time with him, feeling him close to me and all of that wonderful stuff. However, each time we left each other, I had no clue if I would ever see him again, I no longer felt safe and secure with him.

We had many good times, but things would never be the same. There was a distance we kept with each other that never even existed in our early stages of dating. Things just weren’t right.

The sad thing is we were in a comfort zone. This was easier than moving on and finding someone else. We already knew everything about each other. So instead of giving up, we held on to a love that was no longer there. Too much conflict, heartache, hard feelings, insecurities flooded the both of us, for this to be something that would eventually work itself out. However, we carried this secret love affair for two long years.

Release

the beautiful night

Holding on; hoping, wishing and praying that things would get better between the two of us. Hoping that his mother and father would realize that they have been acting silly and that there son was happy with me and that they should be happy and respect the choices he makes with his life.

Waiting for the day that my once boyfriend, ex fiance, now secret lover, would tell me that all of the hiding out is over, and that he told his parents once and for all that he is in love with me and that he is going to marry me, and they would just have to accept it.

i was feeling a depression coming on me throughout all of this time. It was a terrible feeling that was making lose interest in alot of things, it was making me withdraw from my friends and family, i was becoming insecure with myself, questioning myself on every level.

I didn’t like what this was doing to me!!

As difficult as it was, I had to put an end to it all. I had to stop the relationship. it wasn’t a time for an ultimatum because over the last two years, it was clear that he got comfortable, he had no intentions on getting things back the way they were, us being together was always going to be a secret.

I no longer believed that this man loved me, the actions no longer matched up to the words.

The night was beautiful, one of those nights, where being with someone special is an added bonus to the atmosphere. I had planned for days that I was going to put this to an end. I prepared myself, i knew exactly what I was going to say, and when I was going to say it. I even knew how I was going to respond to the things i knew he would say.

i looked him in his eyes, and I told him, I loved him and that he would always have a special place in my heart, but I needed more, and I knew that he was unable to give me more now and most likely ever. I let him know that I know how important family is to both of us, and i don’t expect him to give up his for me and I know that if things were the other way around he would feel the same way. We have been running around in secret for two years now, and instead of us getting closer to getting where we thought we would be, we are getting farther away from each other. This has to stop and has to stop now, because we are now forcing something that should no longer be.

It was hard to walk away from him, I loved him so much. It was difficult not to answer his phone calls, not to call him, it was a something i struggled with for a long time after. However from that moment on, I felt a sweet release, all of the heaviness I’ve been carrying around for the past few years had been lightened.

When you tell someone you love them, your actions have to match up to your words. Love is unconditional,love is patient and love is kind, love doesn’t make you miserable and make you feel insecure and worthless. Situations arise that sometimes make it seem like love doesn’t stand a chance.

Life is about living, you live you learn, you experience you grow. If you don’t put your heart on the line occasionally you won’t know how your heart works. No matter how hard you have to try to live your life with no regrets. If your not happy with a situation you have to do what you have to do to make yourself happy.

Sometimes when you release someone from your life you are showing them and yourself more love than you could by holding on to something that is past it’s expiration date.

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