Monday, December 11

5 Things You Should Not Tell a Guy

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Turnoff subject 1 : all the cute things your pet does.
We think about pets as noble beasts, as partners in excitement. Which makes it worrying when you start talking baby talk with them. “Nipsy, wipsy. Your mommy loves you, oh, yes she does.” Coddling a pet makes men suspect that your ideal companion is completely reliant on you for food, permits you to dress him up in colorful wool sweaters, and can be castrated if he starts acting too frisky.

Turnoff subject 2 : your belief in alternative medication.
I was talking to a girl at a bar lately, and we were truly connecting … Until she started telling me about visits to her vitaminologist. “He told me I had happiness stuck in my bladder.” irrespective of how important you’ll feel it is to share your spiritual side, remember : When you tell us about your involvement with aromatherapy, reflexology, or crystals, all we hear is not stable, unsound, unstable.

Turnoff subject 3: How impressed you are with what others make.
I was out with my best friend, Greg, who goes to law college. We met one girl who started considering the crowd : “Oh, my word, there are so many law-school guys here tonight. You know, in their first year out of college they make $119,000!”
You don’t have to convince us that you are indifferent to material possessions. But ogling a man’s salary — ours or somebody else’s — makes us feel like you’re attaching our worth to our wallets. And we all know there is always going to be someone out there with deeper pockets than ours.

Turnoff topic 4 : How pretty the view is.
When confronted by natural beauty, men prefer to consider it quietly. Girls, for some reason, feel forced to speak at just the instant when we most want quiet. I passed a week on a Mediterranean island with a group that encompassed four girls who never met a nightfall they couldn’t ruin. ( “That pink is so deep. I think it’s, like, the deepest pink I have ever seen.” ) They did not get the gag when my buddies and I attempted to give them a little taste of their own medication : “Look at that water! It is simply, like, so wet.”

Turnoff topic 5 : Who your fave stars are dating.
Demi and Bruce split / make up ; Oprah gains / loses 20 pounds. We do not really care. Pamela Lee opens her mouth real wide and homes all of Tommy’s manhood? Okay, we care. As a rough guide, unless they are naked, we don’t want to know. Men have far too hard a time keeping up with their own relations ; the very last thing we want is the responsibility of keeping abreast of the lives of folk we’ll never meet.

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