Monday, December 18

Willie The Wise: Toenails & Photography

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TOSSING THE CABER

Dear Willie,

Our son has informed us that he intends taking up caber tossing in an effort to keep fit. His father was a great fan of the sport before he met me and still likes to keep his hand in with a quick toss of an afternoon, but I’m worried that as our lad is quite slight he might not be able to manage a meaningful toss.

Marie, Duninn

Dear Marie,

Ye must be mindful of yer laddie’s health and not let him close to a full sized, 175 pound, caber.  I, myself, started off gently in my caber tossing career with a lollipop stick and brought off a clearance of Ben Douglas.  And he was a tall lad.

Willie

TOENAILS

Dear Willie,

My husband has recently asked me to paint my toenails.  I, of course, refused as I consider it to be sluttish and a practice only carried out by ladies of the night.  Hubby however says that it quite common among decent women which seems to suggest that he has been looking at other women’s toes.  What are your views?

Pamela, Cape Town

Dear Pamela,

The painting of toenails is a custom that goes back centuries and has gone in and out of fashion many times.  I painted mine tartan once in a nationalistic fervour but maintaining the look was too time consuming and my toes weren’t visible through my boots anyway.  As to your husband’s request, I would suggest that the best way to curb a chap’s notions is to overdo them.  The novelty of painted toenails will soon fade if you paint every toe a different colour and preferably with fluorescent paint.

Willie

KIDNAPPED

Dear Willie,

I am wish to have sexy fun with very nice woman, Mrs Doris Bentine, but she is saying no as we are not formally introduced.  I am then formally introducing myself and asking for sexy fun and still she is saying no, we must think of her husband.  I do not understand this as I do not wish to have sexy fun with her husband.  Is this a thing which is common in the west?  That one must have sexy fun with a lady’s husband if one has sexy fun with her?  If it is so, it is a strange custom and explains why Europehas become so decadent.  Men having sexy fun with other men is not approved in my native land unless one is a member of the royal family or an ordained priest, but the Mr Bentine is not one of those.  Please tell me how I may have the sexy fun with Doris Bentine without also having to service her husband.

Kvazol, Southend

Dear Kvazol,

You are mistaken, my friend, for Mr Bentine is indeed a member of the royal family of your homeland.  He was kidnapped by nomadic tribesmen as a child who brought him to England, but was rescued by crack troops of the Salvation Army and adopted by the Bentines.  You are therefore, as a loyal subject obliged to have sexy fun with him, especially on his birthday.

Willie

PHOTOGRAPHY

Dear Willie,

My husband has recently taken up photography as a hobby and expects me to pose for him so he can post my pictures on his website.  He promises that all his shots of me will be tasteful, but refuses to define what he means by tasteful.  I really want to set down some ground-rules as I don’t want to be involved in anything sordid.  What would you advise?

Jill, Frankfurt

Dear Jill,

Anything between the knee and the ankle should be safe enough, though if you’re feeling extra saucy you may allow a quick exposure of elbow.

Willie

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