Tuesday, December 12

Willie The Wise: Fashion Models & Calories

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Dear Willie,

I have recently decided to take up creative writing as a part-time hobby but am having difficulty in deciding which genre to write in.  I enjoy reading horror stories and technical manuals on non-conducting ceramics.  Could you advise me?

Sybil, Fairfield

Dear Sybil,

It seems perfectly obvious to me that you should be writing recipe books.  I feel there is a gap in the market where airline meals are concerned and a novice like yourself could fill the niche quite profitably.



Dear Willie,

I would like to become a fashion model but my friends tell me I’m too short.  I am five foot eight inches tall and I thought that would be enough but seemingly one needs to be at least six feet tall to make it in the modelling world these days.  Is there any medical procedure to increase my height?

Sally, Arizona

Dear Sally,

My, but you’re a silly fish.  You don’t want to be messing around with the height God gave you.  You have two alternatives.  Either forget this dream of being a fashion model or do your fashion modelling among the pygmies.



Dear Willie,

My husband proposes building a model railway in our basement and I feel this is unfair as he proposes to remove the pole dancing club I operate there.  Many of the local men rely on my establishment for a little light relaxation of an evening and the dancing is really the only form of exercise I get.  How can I get him to change his mind?

Lucy, Bradford

Dear Lucy,

This is a case where compromise is necessary.  I don’t see why a model railway and pole dancing can’t co-exist in your premises.  Your pole might prove to be an interesting feature round which to run a railway track while your contortions might prove popular with those waiting on the platform for the 8.15 to Basingstoke.



Dear Willie,

My doctor has told me that I need to lose weight.  I have decided on a reduced calorie diet but would like your advice on how many calories I should eat daily.

Horace, Winnipeg

Dear Horace,

You shouldn’t be eating calories at all.  They are horrible tasting things and remind me of deep-fried prunes.  Try food instead.



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