Wednesday, December 13

Willie The Wise: Imported Wives & Shunting

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SHUNTING

Dear Willie,

My boyfriend is a mad train-spotter and we can’t even go out for a meal unless it’s to a railway station café.  We spend many evenings on bridges watching large chunks of metal hurtling by beneath us. I love him dearly and he does buy me a lot of handbags, but how do I cure him of this obsession?

Lola, Manchester

Dear Lola,

The answer tae this is to join him in his obsession.  Young men of the train-spotting persuasion often enjoy shunting.  Why don’t you let him give you a mutually enjoyable shunt now and again?

Willie

IMPORTING WIVES

Dear Willie,

I am write to you to ask the price of a wife in your native Scotland.  Here, in Swaziland, the inflation has caused the cost of even an average specimen to go well beyond a man’s means.  What woman is worth eight goats and a gourd, I ask you?  In my day, when I was a young man, full of my youth and vigour, one could get a very decent domestic model for only two goats, no previous owners.  If your land can supply at cheaper price I would wish to import, but only if you have spare capacity.

Chief Ndobe Kalinga, Mbabane

Dear Chief,

The culture of Scotland differs greatly from yer own native land, Chief.  Here, for instance, one can take a wife for one night only, and this might cost no more than six Bacardis and a shish kebab.  If, however, you required a wife for a longer period, for breeding purposes perhaps, you must be prepared to throw a lot more into the pot, namely an arm and a leg.  We tend to give our excess to charity.

Willie

COCKY

Dear Willie,

My friend Daffodil’s daughter, Sunburn, has just had a beautiful baby boy.  We are all, obviously, very pleased for her, but she proposes to name her son Loolly which we understand to be Hindi for the male member.  As the ladies of the East Plomley Cross-Dressing Society and therefore guardians of the village’s morals we are outraged.  Why does Sunburn wish to import this alien culture when Cocky would be a perfectly acceptable name?

Aquatrice Verboten (Mrs), East Plomley

Dear Aquatrice,

Ye must learn tae accept that we’re noo living in a cross-cultural world, with influences from many lands.  Young Loolly is likely to grow up on a planet where all men and women appreciate diversity, even on national holidays.  The answer to your immediate problem would seem tae be a nickname.  Pecker might be suitable.

Willie

CHARITY

Dear Willie,

I was brought up as a Protestant Christian but would consider changing my faith if there was any financial remuneration in it.  Do you know of any religions which offer a suitable reward for joining them?  It wouldn’t need to be much, as I’m a bit short at the moment, but I’m unwilling to give up the beliefs of my forefather for less than six figures.

Torquil, Danzig

Dear Torquil,

Ye have this entirely wrong, laddie.  Your religious institution is not in the business of giving you money, but of taking it away from you.  They may talk of charity and alms but the money they dole out has to come from somewhere and I’ve yet to hear of a religion running a profit-generating manufacturing facility.  Religions do not generally run a transfer fee system as a matter of principle, though you might be able to manage a private arrangement with certain men of the cloth.  They might require more of you, though, than access to your eternal soul.

Willie

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