Thursday, December 14

Willie The Wise: Scent & Size

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Dear Willie,

Do you believe in resurrection?  I ask because I am convinced that in previous lives I have been the Roman Emperor Augustus, Queen Elizabeth I, Abraham Lincoln and Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Jason, Malaga

Dear Jason,

I’m afraid that I do not believe in resurrection because of its elitist nature.  You never hear of sewer cleaners, chimney sweeps and yoghurt salesmen being reborn.  What’s that all about?



Dear Willie,

Since my father died my mother has taken up nymphomania in a big way.  She says it is just a hobby, an interest for her sunset years, but she is still quite a good-looking woman and the stampede of male footprints in the hallway, leading to her bedroom is causing havoc with the carpet.  I understand that female dogs when they come into season can be sprayed to mask their scent from male dogs and wondered if there was a similar product available for extra-lusty human females.

Viktor, Minsk

Dear Viktor,

Over-amorous widowed mothers have been a trial for dutiful sons since time immemorial and unfortunately there is no known cure.  I would suggest that you try to find another location for your mother’s encounters to try and save your carpet.  If she is willing to travel she could be a door-to-door nymphomaniac and her adventures would also allow her to see something of the world.



Dear Willie,

I am very inexperienced and to be blunt I am consulting you regarding thingy size as I am about to be married to a man called Ron.  He is Caucasian, five foot ten inches tall and of medium build.  What should I expect to encounter on our wedding night?  I do not wish to go through with the nuptials if he is particularly over or under endowed, though I am willing to allow a leeway of plus or minus one centimetre.  Please give answer in metric.

Lily, Farnborough

Dear Lily,

It’s nice to see that the age of romance is not dead but your obsession with Ron’s trouser department perturbs me.  Why not be a little daring and check if said organ fits your requirements before you marry.  There is no particular stigma attached in this day and age and you might even enjoy the experience.  On no account should you rely on Ron’s own testament to his endowment, but place your trust in a good visual and physical examination. 



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